Satire: "G.O.P. Offers Delegates Tips on Pretending to Like Romney"

    Welcome Republicans!

    By now, you should have received your credentials, your mask of Obama in Joker makeup, and the number to call if you see Sarah Palin anywhere on the premises. As a delegate to the 2012 Republican National Convention, the eyes of the world are upon you. More specifically, the eyes of the liberal-dominated media, who will be eager to exploit any signs of less than total enthusiasm for our nominee—that is, when they’re not trying to trick you into talking about rape. The point of this memo is not to convince you to like Mitt Romney. We know that ship sailed long, long ago. The point is to win in November and protect the American values that our forefathers fought so hard for, such as mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds.

    Here, then, is a list of helpful tips on how to pretend to like Mitt Romney:

    1. In previous regional practice sessions, there has been a ten to fifteen second lag time between a speaker saying the name “Mitt Romney” and any audible applause or cheering on the part of session participants. To tighten up this “silence hole,” try to get in the habit of clapping/hooting/stomping whenever anyone says anything.

    2. Here’s a simple exercise you can do in your hotel room, car, or anywhere. Say the name “Mitt Romney,” then try to visualize something that you love: a family member, for example, or your favorite Fox host.

    3. Starting Monday morning at the Tampa Marriott there will be intensive thirty-minute coaching seminars on fake smiling and squealing led by Flo, of Progressive insurance fame! There will be light refreshments and amphetamines.

    4. Some of you have expressed concern that no matter how hard you try, even after listening to the Kid Rock “Romney Rocks” CD we provided, every time you hear the name Mitt Romney you can’t help but frown and find yourselves on the edge of tears. To you, we say: “Go for it!” TV viewers are sure to misinterpret a delegate’s full-on sobbing as a sign of being overwhelmed by love for Mitt (LOL). To hone your weeping skills, we’ve included in your Convention Welcome Bag a DVD of Michael Phelps’s mom, Debbie, at the London Olympics and footage of Kim Jong-il’s funeral.

    5. Close your eyes and think of Santorum.”