The United States of Air: The First Time I Heard the Prophet Speak
(get your free copy of this book here)
never forget the first time I heard the Prophet speak. I had finished my shift
and grabbed a bucket of fried chicken on the way home. A light snack before
bed. Crashed out on the sofa, the bucket between my gargantuan thighs. Flicked
on the news. And there he was. Running for President.
drug!” he thundered at an arena full of blubber. People just like me. “You
don’t need to eat! That’s a myth! All you need is air!”
proceeded to do something extraordinary. He showed us his teeth, opened his
mouth wide and chomped down on something invisible. He chewed, jaws working up
and down, then swallowed loudly and patted his stomach with a satisfied grin.
do it,” he shouted, to cheers from the crowd, “you can do it too!”
against the agro-business special interests that had brainwashed us into
thinking that food was harmless, had corrupted our youth with their addictive
caloric substances, and filled our hospitals with patients suffering from heart
disease, diabetes and cancer.
warming. Crowded jails. Nuclear weapons. Drivers who forget to signal. All our
social ills are caused by one thing only: the stuff we put in our mouths that
we don’t need. By food. By calories. And by eliminating the source of all these
evils, and enforcing a zero-calorie air-only diet, we turn our country into a
city on a hill, a light in the darkness, a beacon that other nations may follow
on their own journeys down the Superhighway of Purity and Air.
hope!” the Prophet declared to a sea of worshipful faces, their double and
triple chins quivering with joy under the stadium lights. “Hope for a Food-Free
World! Ask yourself: Whose fault is it that you’re fat?” And his face went grim
and the crowd fell silent. “It’stheirfault!” he roared. “Them! The fat
people!” He pounded the podium with his fist. “How can you be thin if you’re
surrounded by fat?”
cue, the crowd began to chant, “Down with fat! Down with fat! Down with fat!”
blame yourself!” he shouted, to cries of swooning adulation. “You must see the
change you wish to be in the world!”
I threw my half-eaten chicken wing back into the
bucket, and kicked it across the room. “See the change you wish to be.” My God,
he was right! Those evil fatties would pay….
To read the rest of The United States of Air, get your free electronic copy here. The offer ends on Guy Fawkes Day.
Former Lonely Planet author J.M. Porup now writes satire. American by birth, Australian by choice, Colombian by marriage and Canadian by accident, he escaped from the US in 1999 and plans to renounce his citizenship. His first editor — way back in the mid-90s — called him aloose cannon. Ever since, Porup has done his best to live up to that high standard.
copyright (c) J.M. Porup. All Rights Reserved. Used with permission
of author.
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2012-10-12 10:42:24
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