Our House
opened up like a yawning lion’s mouth into the very jungle of the boulevard it
roams along with the other wild beasts and monstrosities to weird to live, to
rare to die as one great American writer partially wrote. It was like a bizarre
charade of lives blending in amongst the palm trees, hiding themselves as
anything other than slightly manufactured. Cat women, pirates, smurfs, black
dwarfs dressed as Mr. T; a world where you look down not up to see the stars,
if you can see past the chewing gum and tourists, parading their children
around like nick-knacks from the overpriced souvenir shops. This giant barrage
of sights, sounds, and the like was my new home.
Franklin Place, I recall how lucky I must be to finally have caught a break. If
all else failed I could have given the man who informed me about his penis one
more shot. Thankfully my
rectum shall stay closed for a little longer. Loriff management I
would find was some sort of low monthly rent management company, geared towards
those who would have just moved to LA for their big time dreams, or are simply
passing through slowly; students, aspiring actors, musicians, etc. It wasn’t too
hard to find. If you’re reading this and you’re passing through that part of
the woods, look for a massive neon green painted house. I really don’t think I
can describe it any better than that… apart from maybe the fact it looks like
a rehab center or homeless shelter. Trust me…you’ll see it!
facing the “parking” space (basically just an empty space).
my hand, inviting me to sit down as we went over the forms I needed to fill in.
Russel was the guy I phoned about the place. I had gone to meet him the day
before to pay the deposit. He was average height, black, with corn rows, a
rather nice shirt, and an amazingly laid back demeanor. I don’t think he was
stoned, just oozing this jive kind of feeling. Once the paper work was done, he
went over some ground rules with me.
it’s medical.”
medical marijuana… I’m not gonna stop anyone from taking their medication…
as long as it’s medical, we’re ok with that.”
owner and head manager of Loriff management and Miguel, one of the co-managers
along with Russel. Albert was Mexican, while Miguel was Dominican. It was then
that I was brought into my room, “number 2”, in the main house (the main house
contained sharing rooms of four or less, while “the barracks”, a separate
detached add-on to the complex, where there were two rooms of ten or more).
Russel opened the door and I immediately felt like I had disturbed some sort of
little hibernation. Even writing this is bringing back a lot of that
discomfort. Two out of three of my new roommates, Matt and “Bouzy” (pronounced
BOO-ZEE), were scurrying about the place, “tidying” up the room. Already I felt
like my arrival wasn’t met with too great a reception. I immediately retreated
to the front porch for a cigarette.
cigarettes and out of force of habit I didn’t mind the fact I wasn’t really
getting anything off these things. I sat on one of two footstools that were on
the porch. The one I sat on was facing perpendicular to the front door of the
house, giving me a view of anyone coming in and out, apart from a modestly
narrow gap to my left which led directly to the back of the house and to an
detached extension that served as the main kitchen and dining room. Across from
me was an Asian girl, sitting on the other foot stool, working on an Ipad.
Medium length black hair, yoga pants on; she was pretty cute. It was only then
that I noticed the fliers sparsely posted in random locations with “Jet Set
Auditions” written on them, with arrows pointing towards the kitchen. I would
later find these two things were connected. This was Miao, an aspiring
Taiwanese producer.
tall black man came up to me.
remark someone said in passing some time later on that week; he’s like a gay
Bill Cosby. I can honestly say that’s a rather good description of him.
Remarkably tall man, who feels comfortable walking barefoot. Lenny quickly gave
me a short tour around the house, started off in the kitchen. A clattering of
pots and pans surged along with the waves of heat fuming out from an incredibly
awkward entrance, followed by exclamations in Arabic. Inside were two Turks,
cooking something that involved burning half of it.
Lenny called out.
height. He practically jumped at the opportunity to say hello.
assured me he knew it was a country. I immediately fell in love with his sense
of humor. Miran was twenty-four with a baby face. He was obviously an
extrovert. Very handsome. The other person came over, just a little more toned down, but still happy.
name?”
particularly with White Americans.
asdfghjklwertyuiokjhjdszxh.”
actually Ajjo (pronounce AJ-JOE). They offered me food but I explained I was
still full from the breakfast at the hotel (I decided to be a pig on my last
day and gorge on free food. The Indian at the checkout desk was all too happy
to see me gone). Both Miran and Ajjo had been translators for the US military
in Iraq during the war and occupation. Miran’s sparkling personality and humor
suddenly developed a spooky undertone, especially combined with the fact that
due to his obvious fitness, I began to speculate in my fantasies the
possibility that Miran wasn’t JUST a translator in Iraq. Ajjo made it clear
quite quickly he was fascinated with the Los Angeles fire department, even
going so far as asking “why don’t you join the fire department” to everyone.
Slightly ironic considering he wasn’t as fit as Miran. It’s like a diabetic
being fascinated with pie eating contests.
kitchen came in fast, and having a packet of cigarettes served well as an ice
breaker. One by one I got a “do you/can I have an extra cigarette?” followed by
the predictable “are you new here?” I’ll just fast forward the introductions;
Sean was an aspiring music producer who recently converted to Judaism, Jamie
was an actress from Nebraska who I met while carrying a massive tub of Whey
Protein powder to her room (who joked with Lenny that I obviously wasn’t a
virgin if I was twenty two (how wrong they were)), “Rocker John” was… “Rocker
John”, Diego was a Colombian aspiring filmmaker, Matt, my roommate was an
intern at a studio and musician, while Bouzy, my other roommate, was a Haitian
actor. Kenton was an interesting person; remarkably intelligent, polite, with a
permanent smile on his face, and around the same part of Kentucky as a friend
of mine, Courtney. Kenton, to the best of my knowledge was an actor but had an
interest and flare for post-production and the manual production side of the
industry.
seemed to know his real name, they just called him “Albert’s Dad”. Albert’s Dad
was a fat version of 1970′s Cheech Marin, with the lower jaw of a bull dog, and
for whatever reason had the audacity and fondness for waddling around the place
topless, allowing everyone to enjoy the sight of his sagging man-boobs, which
resembled two shallow puddles of water on a lilo table cloth, where the edges
are rounded. The first day I arrived to pay the first installment of the
deposit, Albert’s Dad had just taken a shower and was walking towards me in a
damp towel that was barely covering below his waist, despite how badly he
gripped at it. Even in the kitchen, where food was being prepared, he would
roam with his back hair shedding into the bubbling pots of whatever foul
smelling thing he was cooking (that vaguely resembles red onions).
for another cigarette. By this time the porch was being drowned out by the
sound of late North Highland traffic, all squeezing through a two pronged ‘Y’
junction. I met two more people on the porch; Kay and Branden. Kay was talking
to Branden, who seemed abnormally energetic for anyone at that time. I was soon
invited into the conversation when Branden asked me how high I could jump. I
wouldn’t find out until later Branden was autistic. But before that, we jumped;
Kay judged. Branden won. Kay, I found, was an incredibly thoughtful person. We
must have spent an hour talking about homelessness, different people, cultures,
etc. She was really a sensitive soul, going so far as tearing up a little when
she was talking about feeling helpless to help homeless people. Lenny came out
of the house and onto the porch, flustered.
who Branden came to see; he left the overnight
homeless shelter, the same one where his laptop was stolen. Now that he
was here, Lenny tried to put Branden in his room, but Lenny’s Mormon roommate expressed a “religious objection” to sleeping
in the same room as an autistic person. Can I please go on record just to
say…Fuck Salt Lake City. It’s bad enough they’re polygamists, racists, and
homophobes, but the fact that they have “religious” objections to a mental
disorder is just fuck-me-up-the-ass-stupid! Moments later, the police arrived.
Apparently an Icelandic woman who lived at the house had ripped the logo off
Miguel’s car, due to an argument they had earlier. This kind of argument was
not new. I was only new here, and yet I very quickly found everyone had the
same opinion of the situation. They should fuck and get it over with.
Bouzy laughing all night at some sort of TV show on Netflix, Lenny took me
grocery shopping. I seriously began to hate the sun at this point, walking down
a shadeless Franklin Avenue. I could already feel beads of sweat skimming along
my spine. Hollywood has an interesting way of being muck mixed with fabric, as we
passed a shitty motel adjacent the “Magic Castle”, the epicenter of the
legendary Magic Circle of Magicians. Lenny retold his experiences there as an
invite, where they give you vast amounts of alcohol and you could get drunk and
watch magic tricks. I thought two things; how easy must it be to perform magic
to alcoholics, and the Christians were fucking right; magic is a Satanic
hedonistic orgy religion (where do I sign up). This continued further down as
we got to some sort of Chinese themed hotel as we turned down Franklin Avenue,
heading for Hollywood Boulevard.
history,” Lenny said, explaining how this area used to be filled with mansions
(the Magic Castle was once one of many stations for the celebrity catholic
faithfuls to visit on pilgrimage). I was only here for a week and I already
gathered a sense of this. I suppose people are just grateful the days of “Pretty
Woman” are over. You really do get a sense the Hollywood Celebrity tour buses
are struggling to deal with the decaying attractions and points of interest.
scene from that film COULD have been filmed… but wasn’t… we’re not allowed
to show you the actual place. Oh! And that house there is where Corey Feldman
got molested…”
only eventful thing that happened is that I extremely hate those self-check-out
machines. Cut cost at any cost. What’s more important is we took Hollywood
Boulevard back to the house. This will be the first of many occurrences where I
insanely learn to dislike walking down the boulevard. More exactly, I learn to
despise tourists.
picture of Michael Jackson’s cracked star! Why do White parents always act shocked
when they find out Minny Mouse is Mexican! And why is no one giving this awesome
bass player any money! My image of Hollywood is already forming into something
familiar and bizarrely lovely. Like Greek ruins or Stonehenge, it holds a Mecca
sense about itself, a testimony to a time long past, and yet still reachable,
but ever more the difficult in the digital age, where Internet celebrities have
a better retirement plan than Stan Laurel.
a land where Superman got herpes off a chain smoking Jack Sparrow, where these
interesting iconic characters have now grown some balls and are turning up to
Alcoholic Anonymous meetings. Some say Hollywood is what’s wrong with America;
that’s like blaming a mirror for you looking ugly. And who says something’s
wrong with wanting to be an actor, or to want to see where Colombo died. If
there’s anything wrong, it’s that you don’t dive in head first. It’s an
illusion for the clear of mind; and I’ve already fallen in love with it, as
well as Highland House.
and spill the twenty dollars worth of food into the fridge, Miran and Ajjo can
be heard in the kitchen, arguing in Turkish.
ne demek?” Miran asks.
Ajjo gives out.
nelerdir?” Miran remarks.
changes when I pop my head in?
out tonight?”
and I’m about to see Hollywood Nightlife. I’ve already seen it in daylight, God
only knows what happens when the sun goes down.
Conor Matthews, who is a regular contributor to DDA, can be reached at: matthewsconor@hotmai
l.com, and at Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/conorelmo.
2012-11-13 16:26:38
Source: http://www.deardirtyamerica.com/2012/11/our-house.html
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