How to tell which Sudanese are the good guys

History is a crazy thing. Countries get wiped off the map. New countries find their way onto it.

The newest country on it is South Sudan. When you read about Sudan this and Sudan that, it is important to remember that South Sudan are the good guys. They are the ones allied with the Nations of Virtue.

There are a couple of reasons for this. In the first place, Sudan proper, the “original” Sudan, is an Islamic country. That’s right; towellers. You know how the Nations of Virtue feel about that.

Meanwhile, new Sudan, or South Sudan, are “Christian.” Ah! People we understand! They may be dark colored Christians, but they are Christians none the less.

As chance would have it, new Sudan, aka South Sudan or “the good guys,” also happens to have most of Sudan’s oil! Is that a happy coincidence or what!

It is not hard to make out God’s master plan for Sudan. In His wisdom, God put Christians on top of the oil fields. That is as it should be.

God’s plan for Sudan is somewhat stymied at the moment because, while the good guys have the oil, the evil-doers have the oil pipelines, which is leading to all sorts of difficulties. Luckily both countries are in Africa, and now that we have AFRICOM doing God’s work throughout the Dark Continent, it shouldn’t take too long to sort this out.

A further complication is the issue of human rights in God’s half of Sudan. Arresting journalists because they didn’t cover the President’s speech seems something foreign to the values that we here in the Nations of Virtue hold dear.

This is not necessarily the case. At this moment there is no country on the planet that has imprisoned more journalists than our NATO ally Turkey, so there are certainly precedents in the civilized world for throwing journalists into prison.

So lock up the journos and unlock the oil! Welcome South Sudan to the family of the Nations of Virtue!