Cororner Declares Congress Braindead
After Full Year of Inactivity, D.C. Coroner Designates Congress Legally Dead
In a somber press release issued earlier today, the District of Columbia’s Office of the Chief Medical Examiner confirmed the nation’s worst fears and announced that the once robust United States Congress is, indeed, clinically dead. “We did not embark on this investigation with any preconceptions,” stated County Corner Edward Fox, “However, after a full year of total inactivity, and in the absence of all base-line organ function and traditional signs of life, our offices could no longer stand on the sidelines. We had to make a call.”
Indeed, the decision to certify that the formally vital legislative body has been reduced to a pile of useless, necrotic tissue was not made hastily, according to the brief but dense press release issued just hours ago. Rather, a careful diagnostic and certification process was months, if not years, in the making.
“Of course, our first thought was coma,” explains Chief Medical Examiner Augustus Faber, “Obviously, you don’t need to be an expert to determine that Congress has been completely inactive, incapable of communicating and utterly non-responsive to even the most painful of stimuli during recent years. Thus, a finding of ‘persistent vegetative state’ (or level 1 coma on the Glasgow coma scale) was textbook and a no-brainer. That diagnosis fit, and we saw no reason to re-examine the matter for many months.” MOREHERE SATIRE
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