And the Next Pope Is: Zombie XIII

Andrew McKillop

JOHN PAUL RINGO WAS A LONG WAY BACK

In fact he served his time and his function: he could get tens of thousands of Young Peepul squatting in Rome’s parks and squares, happy like well fed cocker spaniels, strumming their guitars and chanting like choirboys (choir girls are not approved) about the intense joy they got when close to John Paul 2. Alright, he said same sex marriage is an abomination, contraception is a crime, divorce is evil – but the Young Peepul loved it! Hit us with another! Besides, John Paul was very hard on crumbling Commie regimes and was bulletproof to Islamic terrorists (or at least to Turkish cranks). JP-2 was useful.

Since then, things went down a long way for Charismatic Popery. The Commie regimes fell apart. Nice People no longer needed a Pope to tell spotty youth that Communism is evil and the Free Market is fun, and works like greased lightning to dump 33% of all young persons straight in the unemployment bin the moment they get out of college. Same sex marriage, for various reasons, had become highly acceptable: even Bill Clinton likes it. Contraception is necessary, because its one way to not have Young Peepul and then (so regrettably of course) have to dump them in the jobless bin like a wet kleenex. Divorce even happens to Nice People, in fact it almost affected Bill Clinton.

Who needs a Pope to tell us all these wonderful things are Bad? Leave it to Sarah Palin!

BACK TO THE GOOD OLD DAYS

Benedict XVI came and went, but he had the extreme bad taste to not die on stage, on the Papal balcony. He didn’t go down gargling, like that truly wonderful JP-2 who filled so many wonderful hours of TV time to mesmerize the masses! It was even better than those also mesmerizing football matches, where hardly any of the players die on the field, although some manage to do that. Its the cocaine, stupid!

That Benedict Pope just walked off the job, still alive.

What the peepul need, not only young folks but above all the media and the elites need is The Right Stuff. And plenty of Popes in the good old days were at least equal to JP-2 for fooling and idiotizing the masses. This is the real role of a Pope, if you didn’t guess.

The problem is we have to go back quite a long way to find the real crowd pullers and foolers. The Pope who could make ‘em so idiotic you could do anything at all with them! The Pope who can make the Peepul do more than just dance around in Rome’s parks and squares blethering that they hate contraception-divorce-single sex marriage and want their kids to be junked in the jobless bin like a dirty kleenex. With a $40 000 loan from the Free Market to pay off the useless and pointless education they got!

First you need your martyr, who can die on stage or in a heroic battle, or you (the Pope) can simply announce the charismatic martyr is dead – if he wasn’t a martyr beforehand, he is now! Polonium-210 didnt exist at the time, but plenty of other poisons did.

LONG BEFORE POLONIUM-2 THERE WAS URBAN-2

Pope Urban 2 was with little doubt one of the most powerful Popes that ever existed. Who could literally devastate entire countries – and yes, he started with a martyr. His martyr was Peter the Hermit, who very approximately lived from 1050–1115. The talent spotters of Urban 2 potted him doing his shows at country markets in southern France: being epileptic and physically defomed helped a lot. The crowds loved it!

Popes of the day, like George W. Bush and any Free Market star system operator knew that when the crowd is delivered foam-at-the-mouth crazies, fiery harangues, and anything extra nice ‘n’ evil, like a really tasty public hanging in Baghdad, 30 December 2006, this is a slum dunk for pulling the crowds. They go apeshit for public hangings. Step aside Michael Jackson and Lady Gaga, who needs you!

By 1095 Hermit Peter had learned the storyline the talent spotters had crafted for him. Peter was trundled around France and quite far beyond: he preached the First Crusade, often collapsing in a pile of epileptic spittle while doing his circus act. And yes indeed the crowds loved that number, at least as much as gawping at Jean Paul 2 dying on the balcony. It was all such fun!

Peter had moved far from his cold water/no electricity cave, in the backwoods near today’s St Etienne. Placed, or rather strapped on to a fine white charger, he led one of the marauding bands that set out to Liberate Jerusalem, from you know who (the Bearded Ones). Along the way, his marauding band and others led by some of the finest, most distunguished members of European aristocracy, laid waste to places like Belgrade and Constantinople. No messing! Bodycount-wise, plenty of the battles could put the Syrian Army-versus-Syrian Rebels act to shame, today.

One of the sneakiest tricks used by Peter, and his minders, was to round up thousands of children and drive them, cannon fodder-style, against the Enemy ranks. Oh yes those Human Shields came in handy to protect Nice People and keep them safe. Enemies to slaughter were richly supplied, ranging from the Byzantine emperor Alexius I to almost every local war chief leader as far as Mosul and Basrah in the Iraq of today. To be sure, that was a little way off track for marching to Jerusalem, but never mind: Urban 2 was a very charismatic Pope.

At least 50 000 children died in the First Crusade: corrected for population size of then compared with now, we would need at least 400 000 dead today.

Where is the Pope who can do that for The Peepul today?