How To Prepare For An Invasion From North Korea

Out of all the totalitarian shitholes threatening to fire off a nuke, North Korea is easily the biggest wild card. In the past we’ve done a pretty thorough job reporting on the regime’s endless abuse of their people, shitty amusement parks, and their overall creepy Big Brother state. This time we got the skinny from a South Korean-born NATO soldier with intimate ties to the South Korean Army. He told us some insider info about the defense plans of his motherland in the event of a North Korean invasion, and how they are pretty much fucked if the North does decide to come down their way. Turns out the North Korean Army are not a pack of malnourished farmers like most of us assumed; but a horde of unholy super soldiers fiercely loyal to their Dear Leader. Besides building underground tunnels that stretch into South Korean territory, from which they will burst out of in a rage unknown to Western militaries, they can swim for days, shoot people between the eyes, and live in caves for years waiting patiently to blow Seoul to smithereens.

VICE: So where does South Korea keep all of their soldiers?

Anonymous soldier: During a South Korean marine’s 24-month conscription they patrol a piece of real estate assigned to them on the DMZ (Demilitarized Zone). A company is made up of around 120 infantry soldiers defending South Korea from a potential invasion by the North. It’s the most fortified place on Earth, with something like 10 million installed and active landmines.

Wait, what exactly is a “piece of real estate”?

A piece of real estate is a defensive position and a square in the grid that is the DMZ. They learn every inch of it by patrolling and reinforcing it constantly, and changing the coordinates of their artillery periodically.

Are they always prepared for an invasion?

Oh yeah. It’s like Israel.

What would it be like if it did happen?

If the North Koreans did invade, intelligence puts their army at around 1.2 million infantry who would crash the borders at various points. Because of all those landmines put in over the years, we figure they’re going to clear a lane of entry for their troops to punch through using artillery and overwhelming numbers, which means it’s critical the whole line and each piece of real estate is held by each company. If the line is breached at all, we’re pretty much fucked. Their orders are to hold their real estate for seven minutes—no more, no less. MOREHERE