How to Channel (a parody)

First, you’ll want to decide upon who you want to channel. For popularity’s sake, it’s recommended that you choose an Archangel or Ascended Master as these will automatically get more attention. These are also a safe bet because these beings are unconditionally loving, so they won’t get ticked off if you spout pure nonsense using their name. You may be tempted to channel your own Higher Self, and while that’s best for your own personal evolution and getting connected to your own source of Truth, it’s not nearly as profitable as claiming to channel a being like Archangel Michael. People automatically trust a brand name they’re already heard of.

Next, you’ll need a way to begin the messages, and for this I recommend “Dear Ones”. I’m not really sure what the appeal is, but starting channelings this way is very trendy at the moment and going with current trends is a sure way to be popular. You may believe that parroting and repetition shows a lack of creativity, and you’re right, but you don’t need to be creative or original to channel.

As far as content goes, I don’t recommend just giving people raw truth. That’s not what most people want anyway, they want entertainment for their minds, they want a good story, they want hope for the future, not to focus upon the Present Moment. Promise amazing things in the near future, but be careful about using the word “soon” too much. A certain other channeler used that term way too much, and people started to realize they were being strung along.

Don’t be afraid to make predictions. Sure, you don’t really know what’s going to happen in the future, but people really like predictions. They want the false security of believing they know what’s going to happen. A current trend is to make extremely vague predictions, like predicting something will happen, but not saying what it is. Since something is happening in every moment, you’ll always be correct.

So what happens if you make a prediction, but it doesn’t come true? No worries, this happens all the time with channelers, and there’s a long list of pre-made excuses you can use:

1. we switched timelines
2. it really did happen but only “true believers” got to see it
3. the prediction was metaphorical and people just interpreted it wrong
4. it really did happen, but only energetically
5. humanity wasn’t ready yet

If you’re feeling creative, you can even invent new excuses, though the ones listed above are tried and true. You may be tempted to take personal responsibility, but part of the magic of channeling is that you never have to take any personal responsibility for what you’ve said, you can always blame it on the being you’re channeling.

Lastly, you’ll need to include at least a little bit of truth in your channelings. Something about Human Consciousness draws people towards Higher Truths, so to get people to believe something spiritual, you’ll have to include something true. Much like religion though, you’ll only need a tiny bit. If you don’t have any personal connection to Truth, don’t worry you, can still channel, just make sure to include some standard spiritual rhetoric like “Believe in yourself” within the messages.

And that’s it! Everything you need to know to channel!

(Channeled from Archangel Michael, he made me write this)

Please note that this is written as satire, though it is based upon many years of noticing patterns in channeled messages. There are many channelings full of good information, and there’s also many channelings filled with pure fantasy. Please don’t take this too seriously.