10 Horrifying Fast Foods That Should Not Exist

I love fast food so much that my feelings for it are probably illegal in Georgia. It’s objectively disgusting, of course, but I truly love it. Give me a BK Double Stacker or a Big Mac or literally anything from Popeye’s and I’m a happy (and gastrically-distressed) camper. But really, never has the tag for these articles been more apropos than with some of the mad science experiments these companies come up in their never-ending war over who can do more unspeakable things to nacho cheese. I don’t fault someone for eating fast food, ever (that would be hypocrisy on a level that would stagger even the talking heads at Fox News), but I feel like the existence of each and every one of these items has to be the result of a dare taken WAY too far.

1. Doritos Locos Tacos — I swear to God I thought this was a joke the first time I saw an ad for it. Then, after I thought about it for a while, it started to make sense. See, the Doritos Locos Taco is the Caligulan orgy of the Pax Americana. Centuries from now, historians will look back at the Doritos Locos Taco and conclude that such decadence heralded the inevitable decline of our once-mighty society. Truly, they will surmise, we were brought low by our need to insert chemical-flavored nachos into every foodstuff. Well, that and the whole supply-side economics thing. But we both know its really the Doritos Locos Tacos.

2. Skyline Chili — I know I’ve done Chili before, but Skyline really deserves its own entry. It’s basically gastrointestinal distress in a bun. Chili sucks enough when it’s done “right,” so just imagine how terrible it is when you serve a concoction that could best be described as Soylent Brown atop a probably-raccoon-meat tube that I know for a fact was chipped off of a giant frozen block of similar tubes earlier that week. Of all the things Cincinnati should damn well be embarassed about and begging forgiveness for (and it’s a long list), Skyline Chili ranks right near the top. And yet, Skyline is this weird point of pride for that city. Even Cleveland thinks you’re terrible, Cincinnati. You are the literal fucking worst.

3. Subway’s Turkey, Bacon & Avocado — I’m pretty sure Subway got its name from the fact that every sandwich from there tastes like it was scavenged from next to a third rail, but this sandwich really wins points for the layers of its failure. I’ve already talked about  my belief that there is some sort of demon-creature living inside every Subway toaster oven, so that’s the bread. The turkey is pretty much your garden variety meat-like slimegasm, and the less said about it the better. The avocado is what really pushes it over the top, though. Look, I know what avocado tastes like, Subway. You can’t fool me by mashing up a failed taxidermy experiment and flavoring/coloring it with peat moss. And the bacon…man, I just feel bad for the bacon. It didn’t ask for this. It never really did anything wrong. It just fell in with a bad crowd, and needs the pig product equivalent of Edward James Olmos to unlock its inner potential. I think this entry got away from me about two sentences ago, so let’s just move on.

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