Crazy Conspiracy Theories About Celebrites-- JK Rowling Doesn't Exist (Pictures)

Time and time again, people who garner a modicum of fame have found out that their lives are suddenly open to all sorts of speculation. From the urban legend about Richard Gere’s butt hamster to the temporally challenged theory that Beyonce (33 years of age) is actually the mother of her kid sister, Solange (28), pretty much every celebrity at some point winds up as the centerpiece of some lunatic’s pet theory. It’s just part of the game.

Most famous folks brush these urban legends and conspiracy theories off or, if absolutely necessary, begrudgingly address them for a tenth of a second to debunk them as crazy. As good of an approach as this tactic of ignoring clear maniacs may be, as a comedy writer I’ve always been bugged by it. Insane individuals are bombarding these people with the kind of stories no sane screenwriter would ever come up with, and everyone’s just ignoring it all. Think of the skull-fuckingly awesome movies we might wind up with if Hollywood grew a pair and adapted some of the weirdest legends out there.

For instance, have you heard the one where …

#4. “J.K. Rowling Does Not Exist”

Ben A. Pruchnie/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Everyone loves a good rags-to-riches story, and it’s hard to find one that seems to fit the mold better than that of J.K. Rowling. She emerged from the same ratty corner table at the coffee shop where most aspiring authors spend countless hours staring at the screen and consuming overpriced lattes, rapidly ascending through the publisher’s priority lists until, seemingly overnight, she decame the kind of all-encompassing media presence that is almost unheard of. It’s the ultimate dream of any writer, a life almost too good to be true.

According to one particularly inspired conspiracy theory, this must, of course, mean that it isn’t. In fact, the theory goes that Rowling doesn’t exist at all — she’s merely an actress, a paid front for a host of shadowy writers who are actually responsible for all things Harry Potter

Here’s the one who forgot that the Time Turner exists.

Of course, this is almost certainly a heaping load of crock. The theory is more or less posited by just one crazy and/or attention-seeking person, and it doesn’t seem to have too many proponents. However, combine it with all the other creepy-ass theories about Master Potter and his magical universe, and a web of strange, bugfuck-insane imagery starts to form itself. There is no shortage of pothead Potter theories out there; some say Rowling is in fact a “squib” (a Potterverse muggle that is nevertheless aware of magical happenings) and merely documents the true struggles of the magical world in a “the decades-long battle between the Order of the Phoenix and Voldemort caused all tumultuous events from Vietnam and Korean War” kind of way. Others make various tin-foil wrapped claims that Rowling’s (or should we say “Rowling’s”?) books contain more secrets and arcane information than the goddamn Necronomicon. Read more: