Given the drugged cops, pollitician, doctors: do we care about drugged or clean athletes? MUCKRACKER 

I Was Ready to Shoot Somebody, Man. Literally.

By David Ortiz, The Players’ Tribune

29 March 15

 was ready to shoot somebody, man. Literally. I was sleeping at my house in the Dominican this winter when I heard a banging on my front door at 7:30 in the morning. Now, I got security. My kids and family are sleeping in the house. I wasn’t expecting anyone. Who in the hell is banging on my door? I come down the stairs yelling like, “Who the f*** is there?”

I look on the security camera by the door and it’s two American guys holding briefcases. I could tell by the way they looked what was in the briefcases. Pee cups and big needles.

MLB sent them down on a little vacation to my island. What a job.

So I open the door.

“Sorry for the interruption, but we need to take some samples.”

I’m looking at these guys like, “7:30 in the morning? Really, bro?”

So the guys come in with their equipment and start taking my blood in the kitchen. My kids are so used to this by now that they’re laughing and taking pictures. This is nothing new. The one guy is sticking me with the needle while the other one is shooting the shit with me, telling me he’s from Colorado.

“Warm down here!” he says.

“I didn’t know you guys were coming,” I say. “You gotta be more careful. This is the Dominican, bro.”

“We’re just doing our job,” he says.

“Let me tell you something,” I say. “The only thing you’re going to find in my blood is rice and beans.”

In some people’s minds, I will always be considered a cheater. And that’s bullshit. Mark my words: Nobody in MLB history has been tested for PEDs more than me. You know how many times I’ve been tested since 2004? More than 80. They say these tests are random. If it’s really random, I should start playing the damn lottery. Some people still think the testing is a joke. It’s no joke. Ten times a season these guys come into the clubhouse or my home with their briefcases. I have never failed a single one of those tests and I never will.

But that doesn’t matter to some people. Some people still look at me like I’m a cheater because my name was on a list of players who got flagged for PEDs in 2003. Let me tell you something about that test. Most guys were taking over-the-counter supplements then. Most guys are still taking over-the-counter supplements. If it’s legal, ballplayers take it. Why? Because if you make it to the World Series, you play 180 games. Really think about that for a second. 180 games. Your kids could be sick, your wife could be yelling at you, your dad could be dying — nobody cares. Nobody cares if you have a bone bruise in your wrist or if you have a pulled groin. You’re an entertainer. The people want to see you hit a 95-mile-an-hour fastball over a damn 37-foot wall. MOREHERE