Here are 8 of the Freakiest Sex Things in the Bible

TheRawStory

The Bible has some lovely stories in it about kindness, empathy, and loving one’s fellow humans. But for every part about “not casting the first stone” and “doing unto others as you’d have them do unto you,” there are also a LOT of stories about other kinds of “stones” (the nether kind), and “coming in unto” people (meaning sex) as well. Below are some of our favorite filthy references from the Good Book.

1. Dildos and dil-don’ts

One of the weirder books in the Bible (and we say that with a pillar of salt) is Ezekiel, who is a visionary and possibly God’s first experiment with LSD. In Ezekiel, God is pissed about Israel’s idolatry and immorality, such as all the jewelry that Judah (the town, who is described as an adulterous wife-prostitute for some reason) is turning into dildos.

“You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.” (Ezekiel 16:17)

Wives! So inconsiderate, amirite? You take the time and money to give some nice bling to your doting lady, and she goes and turns them into dongs and whores herself out with them. Next time, you should probably go with flowers, Zeke.

2. Women are the worst, part two

Deuteronomy is basically a big, weird pep talk from Moses where he explains God’s rules, such as when to marry your sister-in-law (if you’re confused, here’s a breakdown in Legos), when to muzzle one’s ox, and when to never seize a man’s genitals:

“If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.” (Deuteronomy 25:11-12)

So, wait a minute. Two bros are out fighting and then a wife comes to rescue her husband who’s getting beaten up, but then tries to initiate a menage a trois? There’s a time and a place, girlfriend! And it is not during Fight Club. There’s no orgies in fight club, as the little known third rule goes. We think, perhaps, that the real reason this gal is slated to get her hand cut off is because she caught her hubby having some gay sex with his fellow countryman and was like, “When in Israel…” and tried to join, but they were having none of that. But that’s just our guess.

3. Boobs and dongs

Ezekiel is back and with weirder sexual imagery than a David Lynch/Mitchell Brothers film.

“When she carried on her whoring so openly and flaunted her nakedness, I turned in disgust from her, as I had turned in disgust from her sister. Yet she increased her whoring, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her lovers there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose issue was like that of horses. Thus you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when the Egyptians handled your bosom and pressed your young breasts.” (Ezekiel 23:18-21)

Men were hung like donkeys and boobs were ripe for fondling? How awful. We totally see why you would want to leave that place.

4. More boobs

In an attempt to avoid “loose” women who will surely ruin you with their words of oil and honey, Proverbs tries to teach men to love their wives whom they’ve had since they were young: “A loving doe, a graceful deer — may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” (Proverbs 5:19)

Aww, that’s kind of sweet. Unless we’re still talking about the deer. Then, um.

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