I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors – green, red, Orange , and blue.
My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time..
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
“What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response
I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ….
“Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my kid.”
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A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, “Would you like to buy some peaches?”
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, “Are they as firm as this?”
He nodded his head and said, “Yes ma’am,” and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, “Are they nice and pink like this?”
The farmer said, “Yes,” and a tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, “Are they as fuzzy as this?”
He again said, “Yes,” and broke down crying.
She asked, “Why on earth are you crying?”
Drying his eyes he replied, “The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, I voted for Obama and now I think I’m gonna get screwed out of my peaches.”
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When you’re from the country you look at things a little different…
A rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is yer Dad home?” he rancher asked.
“No Sir, he ain’t,” the boy replied. “He went into town..”
“Well,” said the rancher, “is yer Mom here?”
“No Sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with Dad.”
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“He went with Mom and Dad.” The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I can do fer ya?’ the boy asked politely.
“I know where all he tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.”
“Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.”
The boy considered for a moment. “You would have to talk to Pa about that,” he finally conceded. “If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets fer Howard.”
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A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6′ 4″, strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working; the West Texas Sheriff’s Department. After a group of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man’s last interview. The Chief Deputy said, “You’re a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an ‘Attitude Suitability Test,’ that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don’t let anyone carry our badge, son.”
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, “Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit?” queried the applicant.
“You pass,” said the Chief Deputy. “When can you start?”
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Subject: NAVY PILOTS!!
A Navy pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
The Navy pilot explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties….”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
The Navy pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast.”
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Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, ’Listen up good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn’t matter to me. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.’
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, ‘No kidding. I’m a lawyer too. What firm are you with?’
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A man went to the hospital in Gympie Queensland, to have his wedding ring cut off from his wiener. According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient’s girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn’t know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his wiener while he was asleep. I don’t know what’s worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you’re married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your wiener; OR …
3) Finding out your wiener fits through your wedding ring.
Tough call; you decide.
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A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 6 year old. “I think it’s about time we started cussing.”
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna’ say something with hell and you say something with ass.”
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!” She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks, with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!”
NESARA- Restore America – Galactic News
Source:
http://nesaranews.blogspot.com/2015/07/i-took-my-dad-to-mall-other-day-to-buy.html
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