I hear you. I hear you say:
“Beloved God, how tense I am. Please help me to calm down. I am wound tight like a clock. I alarm myself with my intensity. If only I could let go. What do I think I am doing? And for what? It isn't that I have to hold onto this that is called Life forever, yet I do not have to spend my Life in some kind of panic that I don't even know why I have it or what it's about. Unwind me, dear God. Let me be with You, and be a staunch supporter for You and the Kingdom of Heaven that You spread before us.
“I scatter my gift of love from You and replace it with a huge panic. Well, God, this is a far cry from what I ask of myself and of what You ask of me. I say I want to serve You far and wide, yet I seem to serve You one kind of rue or another.
“With all my heart and determination of will, I want to serve You whipped cream and blueberries and strawberries in beautiful glass bowls that extend beyond the Universe. Instead, I am uptight and serve You stiffened unbending tension raucously. Am I really so misbegotten? Am I all bluster without substance?
“What is it I am trying to do? What am I exploding about? Am I to be a firecracker when I desire to be a well-wisher and peacemaker on Earth? God, what is my difficulty here? Is it too much attention on myself? Do I wear clothes that are too tight?
“God, as I appear to myself now, I am a wild card. There is no accounting for me. There is no accounting for my tension. What is so hard about letting bygones be bygones.
“Dear God, I beg You to help me be calm for You. I want to be what You want me to be. How can I be this harridan I seem to be when I want to be with You?
“I feel like I've been mowed down while You desire me to grow tall and bless the Earth. Where does the best of me go when I pour out to You the least of me? You desire better, and I desire better. I am disappointed in myself. Are You disappointed in me, God?
“I am such a far cry from what You created. You never fail. Then, it is I who fail You and I fail myself. How can I possibly fail You, God? If I have that kind of power to fail You, then, surely, I ought to be able to change the track I am on.
“I know it is not beautiful clothing or armor that I need. I must need to slough off old skin. I have to get out of my skin. I am not this dried-up gatherer of bitter fruit. You do not leave me out. Then it must be that I leave myself out. Do I want special attention from You? You gave me everything. How can I crave more than all You have blessed me with?
“What, God, what do I want? I am sure I don't want to be an only child or a child more favored than another. By what divine right, do I claim more than the Life You gave me? I seem to claim that I am brittle and about to break when You gave me strong bones and marrow.
“What am I waiting for, God?”
Dear Ones, you must be waiting for your pokey self to catch up with your True Self. You are almost here. Darkest before the dawn, and all that. You are gearing to lift the world. We're almost there.
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