Alien Covenant review - Dave off - Sail fixings....

Seriously, we’ve been waiting for five years for Dave off and Sail fixings.

First of all: DAVE OFF…
you’all know the film Face Off starring Johnny Trav and Cagey, right… no it’s not even connected to that. It’s basically ALL THE EVIL-TWIN FIGHTS SCENES you’ve ever seen in a film already. Who will win? And do we really care? And (most importantly) will we be able to identify the victor come that really important time later on in the film when Real Trust might just become a narrative issue.

Secondly: SAIL FIXING…
sure, Gravity had its boring pointless self-absorbed moments, we all agree, but did Alien:Covenant (the film that’s supposedly getting us to the answer to the long-awaited question, “Why did the Elephantine Space Trucker park his cargo-hauling space-croissant on LV426 in 1979?”) really just spend upwards of half an hour fixing the solar sails of the Covenant space ship?

Did I really (as a cash-paying film-goer)  need to see those lethargic golden sails open up like a view of the Giza Pyramid from above? Is it my role as a paying customer to sit through such Freemasonic dull symbolic trite?

Usually, having watched a good film, I came out of the cinema buzzing or morbid or paranoid… with this film: nothing.