CDC admits wrongs, mini-zombie living in local mother’s home
However, I am thinking…
(a) Um, we saw Armageddon and MIB, people. Of course the CDC is saying that because mass world chaos right before we all die would be bad, and/or
(b) Clearly nobody at the agency has experienced night terrors with a child.
Blogger’s Note: I am not afraid of the zombie apocalypse. I have prepared myself with the CDC’s published Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse (even though it’s not coming). I also live with a man who once, half asleep, almost blew the head off our dog for barking in the middle of the night. Lesson learned, puppy!
To clear up a common misconception, the “terror” in night terror has nothing to do with it being terrifying for a child. This is not actually a scary experience for the child who allegedly has no recollection of it the next morning. The terrifying part is actually for the parents.
Junior has had a few night terrors in his day. An hour or two after we put him to bed he has woken up screaming and crying hysterically. At first I would try in vain to awaken him from the creepy sleep state he was stuck in… somewhere between wake and sleep with his eyes half open and crying and screaming like a tortured animal.
If anyone has ever seen a zombie, that’s it.
It takes quite some time to awaken him, and when he does snap out of the zombie state, he stares me down like I’m an idiot. Why the f— did you just wake me up, woman!?
Junior’s pediatrician tells me to stop trying to wake him and just let him cry it out. He will allegedly fall back to sleep on his own—and much sooner. She must have secret ties to the CDC and never actually experienced this terror herself. Listen to the howls of a zombie all night long!? No thanks, doc! But out of desperation one night (i.e., my husband tied me up and threw me in a closet), I give it a try. I play the part of bad mamma and let the baby cry.
AND THANK GOD… IT WORKS!!!
No longer do I have to try to wake Junior from his zombie state anymore (as I’m instead crouched under the covers hiding and whimpering, praying for it to be over soon)!!
So last night, when Junior Zombie wakes us up at 4am sobbing, my husband wonders in a sleepy haze if it’s a night terror and then rolls over to cover his ears and go back to sleep. I’ll take care of it, no worries.
Intuition tells me I don’t have a zombie on my hands this time and it’s safe to enter his room. I stumble in and Junior sits up immediately. I realize that my little zombie is a sniffling, slobbering, snotting mess and he can hardly breathe.
I tell him to quit his crying, suck it up like a man and go back to sleep. (Okay, okay, I just said that in my head.)
Instead, I find a little nose suction-thingy and spend 10 minutes sucking out miles of snot, and then give him some milk as a gentle reminder that mamma, who did not roll back over to go back to sleep, loves him way more than does daddy. We sit in the rocking chair and loudly quietly sing some songs so not to wake up daddy, and I eventually put the now-breathing zombie back to bed.
The next day my husband refuses to talk to me.
(Oh, thank GOD the man FINALLY stopped talking! I’ve been praying for such silence my whole married life!)
Apparently Mr. J is jealous of the attention I poured on Junior the night before. Mr. J’s own allergies have almost been the demise of our relationship. I love my husband dearly during the winter months only but the sniffling, whimpering, breathing-with-his-mouth-open, snoring, tissues-and-snot-everywhere pity party that takes place every single allergy season
make me want to suffocate him in his sleep.
Apparently he’s mad that I feel sorry for poor little Junior Zombie and continue to care less about him. Nobody said life was fair, buddy.
If you’re saying I play favorites, I don’t. I love my little zombie and husband equally. [Overheard earlier that day...] I don’t care for Mr. J.
(Calling all Arrested Development fans!!)
Zombie cartoon courtesy of Free Digital Photos.
All Things Unlearned chronicles my journey in unlearning everything I already thought I knew through my experiences as a wife, a mother, and an American through funny, overly-opinionated, witty, sometimes offensive, and yet always entertaining banter. Come be amused.
Source: http://allthingsunlearned.wordpress.com/2012/06/20/cdc-admits-wrongs-mini-zombie-living-in-local-mothers-home/
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