Is it okay to shove a 6-year-old if he shoves you first?

Why do I have to start every post with groveling and excuses for not blogging in a timely fashion? I also feel I owe you an apology this time because I robbed you of some really stupidly funny stories. Here’s a straight up, no BS, recap of my last couple of months, in order, and they are all Mr. J’s fault:

1. Mr. J “goes on a business trip” (right… for the entire winter, right after he moved me and Junior into a house smack in the middle of a snow belt… why did I not get this guys credentials before I said yes to that shiny rock!?)
2. Mr. J leaves me his truck because he fears I’m going to get my Escape stuck in the snow. (Mother nature is completely out of control.) The day after he leaves I get a flat tire in his truck. Coincidence???
3. Water starts dripping out of a ceiling light in the pretty new house. (No, I did not have light coming out of the faucet.)
4. Water starts dripping down a wall in the no-longer pretty new house.
5. Something happens to the garage door. I wasn’t involved.
6. I get food poisoning from either Panera or some spinach I made for dinner that night. (This is why I’m generally on a French Fry Diet.) I’m laid out for an entire week. Try to explain food poisoning to an almost-2-year-old.
7. As a result of the food poisoning, my mother-in-law comes to stay with me and Junior for a couple days………
8. I bash Mr. J’s beloved truck into a mailbox and take out his passenger mirror. He’s still not speaking to me. VICTORY!

Moving on, I would like to talk about all of the unruly children in the world and why it’s not fair I can’t shove them back.

I find it funny how much your own child changes you. We took Junior to the Pink Eye Pit tonight (a.k.a. the play area at a local mall). Up to about six months ago I swore up and down over my dead body would my children even so much as DREAM about one of those disease-infested rat pits. Today, I encourage it.

Mr. J called me after work to find out what the evening plans were. The plan was to take Junior to the mall to visit the Easter Bunny because apparently Junior is well-versed on everything bunny (nothing of which I taught him), to include trying to hop right on out of his highchair when I mention the name.

Side Note: are any other of the “newer” parents completely exhausted by the amount of make-believe characters we have to keep our kids current on? We literally just convinced Junior that Santa is not going to cause bodily harm, nor is he going to get a clogged artery halfway through his all-important sleigh ride…. Now we have to tell him about the juiced up Bunny?? Girl can’t catch a break!

So as it turned out, Junior only likes the bunny as long as he doesn’t have to be in the same room as the bunny. As we approached the rabbit-devil this evening, Junior, in his almost-2-year-old jargon says to me: “You’re out of your mind if you think i’m going anywhere near that thing, woman.” So we did an emergency landing over to the play area where he immediately jumps out of the stroller and runs down a little old lady on his way to the Pink Eye Pit.

It seems like yesterday I was clicking my tongue at my friends who take their children to these sorts of establishments. Not because they don’t fear the diseases and bad manners their children are bound to catch, but because they don’t seem to fear the diseases and bad manners enough. One of my friends once told me in her hush-hush voice, “Oh, I always throw their socks away afterwards.“

Just their socks!?

Shouldn’t you be burning the entire outfit and shaving their heads?? Actually, I’m not sure why those “Please Take Child’s Shoes Off” signs don’t instead say, “Please Put Child In Bio-Hazzard Suit Prior To Entering.”

So I’m the annoying mom in these places who follows her child around because she’s afraid he’s going to fall off something and get hurt (on the soft rubber…I know…). Okay it’s also because I will be the one with the screaming child if he notices I’m not paying 300% attention to his awesomeness as he jumps, zooms, climbs, and runs. Junior is a little standoffish with other children, though. He likes his personal space (good man!) and he doesn’t quite understand why other children invade it or what to do when they do.

So I watch and observe because it’s very interesting to me to see how he interacts with the other little monsters, who shove their peers aside, block the slides and tunnels, push and wipe their snot on anything that moves (and everything that doesn’t), involve newcomers in hazing rituals, and generally are just that… little monsters. Junior, bless his heart, just takes it all in (for now). When he gets pushed down he just stares at the offender.

Then I get pushed aside by a 6-year-old (why don’t they post rules and limitations on these signs? “If you aren’t under the age of 2 and your last name isn’t Jones, you’re not welcome.“).

I consider pushing this monster back, pinning him against the play tree and shouting, “Don’t act like you didn’t see me here! You push another kid one more time and I’m gonna string you up by your kneecaps in this tree and then I’m gonna tie your momma’s shoelaces together so she trips and smashes her face in and can’t rescue your punk ass….!!!!!”

Junior just shakes it off and moves on to zoom down the next slide. I’m still red in the face. Hmmm. Another lesson learned from the almost-2-year-old that doesn’t involve blowing bubbles in my milk or doing side-spinny jumps off the arm of the couch. Well done, Junior, well done!

All Things Unlearned chronicles my journey in unlearning everything I already thought I knew through my experiences as a wife, a mother, and an American through funny, overly-opinionated, witty, sometimes offensive, and yet always entertaining banter. Come be amused.