I Have Been In A Bad Place...

This past week has been one of those when the past jumps out of nowhere, grabs you and wrestles you onto the ground.  I had lied to myself for many years.  I had preferred to think of abortions as first trimester but really, as first three weeks.  The image of the fetus that I had conveniently allowed in my mind was of a little glob of cells but that is not the reality of what is going on.  I can’t “unsee” what I have seen.  I can’t turn a blind eye anymore.  These are little humans recognizable as a boy or a girl. 

 I have tried to avoid dwelling on the images because, when I do, I can’t help but think about how they are crushed alive.  I am a veteran and not many things get to me but this one does.  Why does it affect me so hard?  Many people see these images and recoil in horror but the images don’t make them break down or haunt them like this.   

Almost twenty two years ago I was on top of the world.  I was at my prime physically and saw a long, exciting career ahead of me.  Relationships and commitment were not part of the equation because I had just left an abusive marriage.  I just needed someone to talk to and so I met my son’s dad.

I had stopped the pill because I was out of a marriage, I was not planning on being with anyone and I wanted to give my body a break.  My son’s dad and I became friends and, eventually, nature took its course.  We were responsible; we discussed birth control and picked condoms, until I could get something more effective.  

A couple of nights later, I woke up with him taking me, before I could stop him and get him to put on the condom.  That was the only time there was intercourse without birth control but it was enough.  My body gave me signs and the tests confirmed the pregnancy.  

My son’s dad wanted me to have an abortion.  I considered it but knew that I was not going to be able to live with myself.  The thought of killing my baby was gut-wrenching.  I decided against the abortion.  My son’s dad left my life and I had my baby alone.  I drove myself to the hospital, having contractions, went through labor and gave birth with only the attending physician and a nurse as witnesses.

There are many other details to this story but I will focus on what I believe is the source of my anger. See, my job had allowed me all sorts of trauma training but nothing related to abortions.  Instinctively, I knew that an abortion had to be a gruesome process but I never imagined that the fetus would be so formed.  My son’s dad, however, had been a doctor.

This was before the Internet and the amazing availability of information that we have now.  Back then, if I wanted to get information and pictures, I had to physically go to the library or to a bookstore.  I had never seen a fetus and most of the images showed the fetus at that stage where it doesn’t look human yet.  

So, I believe that by now you get the picture… I was betrayed by my friend and someone of trust in the community.  Not only did he behave like a coward towards me but he knew what was going to happen to the baby.  He knew that it looked like a little human already and, like the physicians that crush these most defenseless of us, he knew what was going to happen to him.  

I have been in a bad place this past couple of weeks…

Photo 1 is actual healthcare. Photo 2 is what @PPFA wants you to believe is healthcare. Any questions? #DefundPP pic.twitter.com/OxAca5rWR2

— The Foo (@PolitiBunny) August 4, 2015

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