Ingredients for the Perfect Person

Teenage Heart Transplant

Untitled Originality

Intimidation is an obligation
As a teenager without intuition
Living inside this mental institution
Trapped between a double affliction

No words to be spoken– we have none
A tiny voice is unheard to everyone
At least behind the age of twenty-one
For my dispute seems to be nearly done

My thoughts are cluttered
My thoughts are angered
My thoughts refuse to remain covered
And I refuse to remain an inferior coward

Okay literally… I cannot write a reasonably decent poem without a rather large amount of thoughts boggling my brain. So, this is just an artistic way of saying I have a lot on my mind, most of which I can’t share. Let’s just say the above poem is just very symbolic to my “wonderful” Shelby problems…

I guess before I get into the topic of the post, I’ll just update you…

On any other extremely hot week day I would wake up at 6:30 a.m. to get ready for summer school and then be trapped in a high school for the next five hours until 12:15 in which I would be released to walk home and plunge back into bed. This was my regular day-to-day schedule until last Friday when I took my Junior English final and finished off the course with an overall B. Now, I can finally sleep in till my eyes can’t remain closed any longer and I can just plan a day of spontaneous amazingness with my friends or family. Now that I can officially say I’m on summer vacation (with only 26 more days till Junior year begins), I can also say there is at least one flaw to summer. Not that I don’t absolutely love relaxing at home watching movies all day, but with all this free time gives me a lot of time to think. Whether I’m thinking about an actual controversial topic or just deciding if I want Chinese for dinner (again), I am an over analyzer and I over analyze EVERYTHING! Unfortunately, this can lead me to some pretty negative thoughts inside a mind of optimism (ex. the above poem of misfortune).

My over analysis leads me to the point of this post!

While I was in summer school we would write journals. Sometimes these journals would have no relation to what we were learning about but to simply wake us up by talking about a subject that isn’t related to Robert Frost. Anyways, one morning the topic was ‘if you could change something about yourself, what would it be?’ Personally, I would change a lot about myself. Most of it is just stupid stuff like, I wish I was a morning person so waking up for school every morning wasn’t so dreadful or perhaps I wish I had a comely singing voice people would be in awe in. But that’s just silly misfit stuff, if I could actually change who I am, I would add a better, stronger confidence level so I could actually win an argument for once and not be so intimidated by what the other person is going to say, more motivation so I wouldn’t procrastinate so much during the school year and lessen my paranoia level so I didn’t over analyze every single thought that enters my stream of consciousness along with lessening my social awkwardness. Of course, I’m not as awkward as I was in middle school (nothing is as haunting as middle school) but I still have trouble continuing a conversation that is so easy to be upheld.

It’s so easy to say what you would change about yourself than actually change it in reality. I’m pretty sure I’m going to stay a paranoid, awkward sprout for the rest of my life, but if I was determined enough, I could start sticking up for myself and gain the confidence level I know I have squirming around inside me. In fact, my confidence level has never been so squirmy because I have never been so close to reaching my breaking point. I just want to yell and scream everything I’ve been hiding to the people who need to hear it for so long and for once, be respected for how I feel in return. However, I’m not much of a throw-a-tantrum kind of person but, I would at least like to share my outlook and still be treated as an equal… for once.

My name is Shelby Cooper and I have had two heart transplants. Living with heart disease has encouraged me to spread Congenital Heart Disease Awareness, and to tell kids with heart defects; you’re not alone.
Blog: teenagehearttransplant.blogspot.com

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