kinda like fishing.....

the other day i was spending some time just tryin’ to figure out who
the heck i was. i’m assuming that’s a natural part of the process for
a 53 year old female who’s on her own and learning about life.

i figure it’s just part of the journey.
and a cool one at that.

i was tryin’ to think of the things that make me happy.
isn’t that a great thing to ask yourself ??
what makes you happy?
(go ahead, ask yourself!)

that was fun to come up with those.
i’m still thinking too.

so i was just kinda probing around and gettin’ a feel for myself.

but as far as WHO i am….that gets trickier……
i wasn’t at that deep deep level of who is it that’s doing the thinking,
or who is it that feels this way?
you know that really deep level……
i wasn’t goin’ that deep.
it was a couple layers up from that.
so you wouldn’t think it would be that hard.
but  i didn’t come up with a lot.
i tried to leave a space open for some answers tho.
figured things may come as i move along with life.

and, sure enough,  i got one this morning as i mowed.
(it’s kinda like fishing – you just gotta wait sometimes…..
and then – I GOT ONE!)

here it is -

i am someone who is determined to live a healthy life with healthy relationships.
and that isn’t going to come easily.
it’s gonna be work.
and i am someone who is willing to put in the work to make that happen,
or to leave behind what i need to leave to make that happen.

what’s cool here is the claiming of it.

‘i am someone who’ – that part.

it’s not ‘i would LIKE to have healthy relationships.’

that’s different. that’s not really honestly grabbing it.
it’s half way.
liking to have it and making it happen are two different things.

and what’s cool is i could claim it in the way i did because i know i work at this.
if anyone ever looks at my loving relationships and think i have it easy,
they have no idea the amount of work it’s taken (and continues to take) to make that happen.
and i know that.

i actually KNOW that.

this is a big deal for me -

it’s owning something strong about me that i like.
which isn’t something i do very often.

so as i mowed i was like ‘hey, that’s kinda cool. i like that. yeah. yeah. that’s me.’

i find it difficult to see myself.
and when i do see something, it’s usually something i feel is a bit flawed or weak
or needs work. i want to start seeing ALL of me. and i’m amazed at how difficult
that can be.

the thing is……….i wanted to say it out loud here. to kinda prove it to myself that
i believe it. and now….i’m done with that. i can just know that’s part of me and
find more parts.

i want to get to really KNOW me so that if something happens to rock my world,
i at least know my own truths, ya know? sometimes that’s all we got. so maybe
i should know what they are!