Logging-in for Life

Encouraged by the “astounding success” of the new Federal Internet Database*, which has had only three major security breeches and one complete shutdown due to server overload in its first month of operation, the United States Congress is already looking to expand the program. Spearheaded by senior senator of NaYaC, B.D. Warbucks, the proposed legislation would foist yet another identity card on every citizen in the country. The bill has been benignly dubbed, “Life Assist.”

Each Life Assist card would be embossed with its own unique serial number that would remain the identifier of the cardholder for the remainder of his/ her natural life (that sounds strangely familiar, doesn’t it?). The stated purpose of this new card is “…..to aid the citizens of these United States of America in making ecologically sound decisions that will enrich their lives, and the lives of their loved ones, from the moment of birth through the end of retirement.” And to what extent will we feel the gentle, guiding touch of Big Brother should this birthing room to cemetery “assistance” become the law of the land? You be the judge as this article outlines some of the bill’s finer points.

Each “account holder” will be categorized by a personal profile based on data gathered from mandated physical and psychological examinations. The profiles will be updated annually to reflect the results of each year’s examination, which will be performed in government clinics “free of charge.” The profiles will be used to create a unique “menu” for each individual based on their physical and mental health, genetic patterns, and consumption history. The menus will be uploaded into a national database, and made accessible to every retailer in the country. Then, whenever a customer reaches the checkout counter of any establishment, their Life Assist Card will be scanned to see if their purchases fall within the recommended parameters for their personal choices of products and services.

For example, someone who has been determined to have a proclivity to violent behavior will be encouraged to stay away from movies or video games which incite violence. Obese people will be steered toward fruits and vegetables, and away from the pastry aisle in the grocery store. As items are passed through checkout scanners, they will be placed into one of three categories on the sales receipt: Recommended, Not Denied, or Violation. Retailers and service industries will receive tax credits corresponding to their annual percentage of sales that fall within their customers’ Recommended categories. “We’re counting heavily on the social stigma of non-compliance to boost the program’s overall success,” commented Congressman Gary Gullery, co-sponsor of the version of the bill in the House of Representatives. “Clerks, waitresses, bartenders – even baggers at the local grocery store are going to have to be educated in motivational techniques as they become partners with the U.S. Government in making this nation a healthier and safer place in which to live by persuading their customers to make smarter choices at the checkout counter.”

During the same joint press conference, Senator Warbucks stepped in to clarify any misconceptions. “And before all you activists have a cow,” he bellowed sarcastically, “we aren’t trying to stamp on anyone’s civil rights or take away any of your choices. This program is simply giving the average citizen the benefit of expert government analysis that will make their lives more meaningful and fulfilling. There are no civil or criminal penalties for non-compliance. We’re only making suggestions, here.”

Now for the big BUT. Repeat or extreme “offenders” will be offered the services of a government sanctioned “Life Coach” – an individual trained at taxpayer expense to “assist misguided account holders in planning and executing more efficient and ecologically conscious daily decisions.” And the good senator also neglected to mention that anyone who refuses this counseling will have their name listed in a subsection of Crime Beat in their local newspaper, and have their employer notified they are on a government watch list. The offenders’ names will also be maintained in a separate database for future reference.

Even with his big but exposed by those of us who read the proposal’s fine print, Senator Warbucks nevertheless marched forward through the remainder of the press conference undaunted. “We realize there are loopholes and a great potential for abuse within this program – meaning people can simply pay others to purchase items for them that may be on their ‘Violation’ list. The fact also remains that many otherwise harmless ingredients, such as flour, sugar, yeast, etc. can be purchased well within legal parameters only to be combined later by less than civic-minded individuals into potentially health damaging products such as doughnuts and beer,” he continued to bluster without even cracking a smile. “As well, we will eventually need to address such establishments as restaurants and coffee houses where the products are consumed before payment is made. But I believe the important thing now, is to get the system in place and operating with the intent of perfecting it later.”

So, will black market baked goods and bootleg spirits eventually necessitate the creation of a “Raw Material Gestapo” empowered to make unannounced inspections of homes and businesses? That distinct possibility must be lurking within the depths of long dormant brain cells somewhere, as the intellectually challenged public’s reaction to this proposed boondoggle has been surprisingly hostile. This unsuspected resistance has forced the program’s supporters to begin preparations for a massive advertising campaign. On guarantee of anonymity, an aide on the advertisement planning committee informed this reporter that they have engaged the services of several top-ranked heat pump salesman. The committee’s reasoning is that anyone who can still sell heat pumps in this day and age after their long, abysmal track record of failure is capable of selling the Devil a pot-bellied stove.

And finally, the senator’s answer to questions of cost that always seem to hound such superfluous congressional proposals? “This program’s aims are much too lofty to be judged in mere monetary terms. We will, however, judiciously track expenditures in an attempt to streamline the overall process so as to provide the greatest benefit for the public good while making the smallest impact possible on the economy as a whole.” Translation: Get a firm grip on something unbreakable and grit your teeth, it’s going to be a monster.

*This is the program that requires individuals to log into a government operated identification system before being allowed access to the world wide web.

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