Queen of Hearts Merkel

QUEEN OF HEARTS MERKEL SAYS – OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!

Andrew McKillop

THE QUEEN OF HEARTS AND HER MAD HATTERS

In the famous children’s story, Queen of Hearts Merkel only needed one Mad Hatter, and that was also how things were in Economic Wonderland (also called “Eurozone”, a purely fictitious thing) for a long time . However, terrible things happened to pass. Queen Angela lost her longtime and truly favourite Mad Hatter – called Mr Nicolas Sarkozy, who she dubbed “Mr Bean”. He was a scream! He could be counted on to jibber rubbish, day or night. Mad Princess Carla, his wife, was a great singer-composer, she said. Her psychiatrists keep trying to tell her she is not Alice, but despite the Exomil she keeps croaking Alice songs at the mike. The zombie peepul press love that!

Today, Queen Angela scrapes along with an Airbus 320 load of junior Mad Hatters, chattering like monkeys on amphetamine, as they swoop down on whatever “Eurozone” country is in deep trouble, this week. The zombie press calls them “monetary experts”. Sometimes these monkeys join up with the sinister Troika and its own experts – and they all fly around in an Airbus 380.

Exactly like the Lewis Carroll book, Economic Wonderland is in permanent chaos, which makes it all the easier for the Queen of Hearts to decide things her own favourite way, with her rousing one-liner: “Off with their Heads!”

The Queen’s Berlin-based Tea Party competes with The Troika, after all this is free-market economics – but the Berlin mob has now told her to up the ante. This explains why the Queen is now stridently criticizing the handling of Cyprus bailout proposals. She rejects one after the other, even before the parliament in Nicosia had a chance to reject them! Off with their Heads!

One simple reason is her usually affable, inert and stupid husband, the King of Hearts, also known as the European Central Bank, has become unusually vociferous. The ECB has shown it can also play Queen of Hearts’ tunes. Its kneejerk one-liner is: “Cut all funding to Cyprus!”

VLAD THE VAMPIRE

The Lewis Carroll story has been turned into several films, but none include the Russian Vampire. This is henceforth corrected, because the ECB, the IMF, the Commission and of course the Mad Hatters are frothing the drastically simple message: “Russia must pay!”.

Queen of Hearts Merkel thinks that is a super slogan, and herself is now using it. On March 21 at a closed-door meeting of her Court including the Gryphon, the Knave of Hearts and leading legislators, or Valets, Boys and Servants in Berlin she told them that she is “very annoyed” the Cypriot government has been so rude to The Troika. Above all she is furious Cyprus got nothing at all out of the Kremlin. Using coded language for a public execution coming soon, she announced this is “unacceptable”.

One of her leading Knaves put it this way: “We are not ready to accept solutions that are full of wind,” Michael Fuchs, deputy leader of Merkel’s Christian Democratic Union said after the secret meeting. Other leading Knaves added that it is definitely “Not appropriate to play poker in this matter, especially when you think that there is a risk that two (Cypriot) banks will become insolvent next Monday.”

Poker for sure and certain, but in no way Russian chess. Vlad Putin, flitting darkly in his Kremlin palace as midnight chimes, supping on one juicy jugular then another, has been curtly forthcoming on what he thinks about poker games with two-bit European Mad Hatters. He calls them “unprofessional” which is coded language for awesomely terrible things. Slipping rapidly into the Kremlin dissecting room, he wheels out the Gazprom Monster, complete with a bolt in its head, to announce: “We make Cyprus new Qatar – You make it new Zimbabwe”. And Vlad trundles it back into the coldstore.

Vlad is OK with that pitch, in fact he wrote the script himself. The Gazprom Monster says offshore Cyprus has so many trillions of cubic metres of gas the place will be a new Qatar almost overnight. It will be rich enough to buy David Beckham and the Paris PSG football team two times over! Right now and in the meantime, The Troika only has to get its checkbook out and stop panicking.

Pipe down and pay up. That Is All.

PANIC IN WONDERLAND

When Vlad the Vampire makes ex cathedra pronouncement from the Kremlin dissecting room, surrounded by all those scary things him like The Mummy, Imhotep, The Wolf Man and the scariest of all for Europeans, the Gazprom Monster, there is instant panic in Wonderland. Recent goings-on have been decidedly more chaotic than any normal Mad Hatters’ Tea Party, all independent observers agree. The present all-day, all-night Tea Party rings with Apocalypse Now one-liners as the teacups clink and chink, and clatter to the ground. Oh gosh!

“Time is slipping away!” Luxemburg Finance minister Luc Frieden cried out on one of Queen Merkel’s favorite radio stations, German RBB-InfoRadio. Other Knaves rushed to add more panic fodder, gasping: “Banks will open again in Cyprus on Tuesday!” and there will be wall-to-wall panic. Before getting back to their tea and muffins, they sang in chorus: “A solution is absolutely necessary!”

Queen Merkel told her leading Court Jesters, also called The Banks, to pop out and buy any kind of European stocks and shares they wanted. Anything will do. Ask the ECB to slip you a few billion. Lo and behold, European stocks soon erased their losses, in fact the Euro Stoxx 50 Index traded up 0.1 percent when midday struck in Berlin, 21 March. The euro, which posted its biggest two-day decline since July at the start of the week, rose 0.4 percent to $1.29565. Queen Merkel ordered cream tarts and muffins for everybody.

With Nicolas Sarkozy gone (and reduced to dipping in the deep purse of an 80-year-old and infirm heiress), Queen of Hearts Merkel has to make do with The Eurozone Hatters, called finance ministers. These are now pleading for mercy from their angry Queen and have promised Her that Cyprus will surely and certainly find the 5.8 billion euros ($7.5 billion) they need to fund the next Tea Party.

KEEP YOUR HEAD IF YOU CAN

Surprisingly able to keep his head, Michael Meister, deputy leader of Merkel’s CDU told BBC’s Radio 4, March 21, that “Cyprus is living in an illusion”. This may be a dangerous thing to say, and the Queen was not immediately available to comment, or decide on the right punishment for such outrage, because she never used language like that when talking in public about her Wonderland (AKA “Eurozone”). In the good old days with Mr Bean, the Arch Mad Hatter, the Wonder Couple would coble up a few all-day summits, their “experts” would jibber and blether for hours on end, and everything would have been Wunderbar.

Before her beloved Mr Bean had to leave and was forced to humiliate himself stealing from aged and infirm billionaires, to support his gorgeous wife The Mad Princess, everything was illusion and nobody complained. The Queen is therefore most unhappy, and increasingly angry about what she considers a Reality Defect.

Europe, and especially “Eurozone” is a Wonderland of Illusion: Was ist das Probleme?

As her experts say, the Cypriots only need to find $7.5 billion, wherever they like – perhaps Vlad the Vampire will very unusually show mercy and briefly defrost his heart? As the Queen knows, when the Cypriots have the dosh, the Troika’s Mad Hatters have planned a simply marvelous Trading Strategy to lose it all, almost instantly. It will be madly amusing! For a few weeks, even days, it really doesnt matter how long, Everything Will Be Fine.

Her Experts have told her this and, if they are wrong:

Off with Their Heads.

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