Ayahuascan Revelations - The Weekend Vigilante May 2nd, 2015

Hello from Anarchapulco,

As you may recall I travelled to Monterrey, Mexico, in March seeking out truth.

Numerous people who I consider to be enlightened had been saying incredibly wise things over the years and as I analyzed how they had this knowledge/perspective/wisdom and an inate peace about them I started to realize that most of them had partaken of ayahuasca… and many of them dozens or hundreds of times.

I look at evidence.  Sort of what “science” was meant to do before it got turned into scientism and corrupted by government grants and greed.  Once I see sufficient evidence on anything I feel the need to explore that topic more.  And, in the case of ayahuasca, that meant trying it.

As you may recall my first experience was, as I understood it at the time, a bit dissapointing.  I said that it mostly was uncomfortable and I didn’t have any big revelations.  There were only two things that I felt I got from it as I layed there, cold and physically paralyzed on the floor.  One was something that I felt was obvious… but it really drove home to me that it was important.  That was the feeling that my family is the most important thing in my life.

The second one was far less obvious and I actually walked away confused about it.  It was the only part of my experience where I actually felt like I was talking with someone/something (although no words were spoken).  It was the only time I felt I had an unusual experience that I had never had before.  It felt like this incredibly loving, peaceful entity spoke to me.  And, what it said was, in the most unjudging and compassionate non-spoken voice was, “Let others help you.”

Before, when I had asked those familiar with ayahuasca about it, quite often they would say, “It will often tell you something that you won’t understand but then weeks or months later you will understand it”.

I had no idea what they meant.  It sounded really weird to me that you ingest this medicinal rainforest plant and some people throw up and you are then told something that you won’t understand but later you will understand it.

But, today, I understood what it meant when it said, “let others help you”.

As what usually happens in a marriage there had been a growing impass between my wife and I.  Due to a number of business problems I have had over the last few years, plus my never-ending passion to spread liberty making me constantly overwork, I had become very stressed.  This stress was causing me to become less open and loving with my family.  It wasn’t just the stress but it was all the things related to it.

It was the working from morning to night trying to fix those problems while, at the same time, trying to analyze why they happened and what I should do differently in the future… which led to me creating more new ventures that, of course, meant I was working all the time… working on fixing a few past problems while at the same time passionately working on new ventures (things like writing a book, a documentary, the Anarchapulco conference, and a few exciting secrets that you will soon find out about – they are all related to spreading the word of liberty however).  Once you see everything I am working on over the coming months you will understand what I mean when I say I have been working on a lot.

But, in the last month, due to feeling totally worn out and stressed, I once again fell back on an old, bad habit.  I began drinking more alcohol again.

I’ve written here numerous times about the ways that alcohol has helped me in life (getting over shyness, finding a way to relax my always running mind, easing stress from over-working, writing creatively).  Although, I have learned through experience that it would have been way easier, cheaper and healthier if I had just worked through those problems without a crutch.  But, it did help those issues at the time.

I’ve stopped drinking completely numerous times over the years.  It’s never been a problem to stop.  There has never been any physical addiction that I am aware of.  It has always just been a crutch.  If I didn’t want to be in a meeting or at a conference (because I’d rather just be at home with my giant family of wife, kids and an ever growing amount of dogs) I’d have a few drinks to ease my discomfort.  Those few drinks, at certain times, definitely turned into way too many drinks… but in reality I was just using it, for the most part, to get through things that I did not feel happy/comfortable with.  While I love what I do and it can often entail great experiences it also means countless hours of working/writing/speaking and all the details of dealing with business like dealing with unhappy clients, going through the accounting (my most hated thing to do – I am not a detail person) to see which business ventures are profitable, which aren’t, and then going through dealing with them which means hiring some people, firing others (never fun!) and all the drudgery of day-to-day business.

In retrospect, I’ve had to fire or lay-off, literally hundreds, and possibly thousands, of people in the course of my life.  If you’ve never had to do it you don’t know how unenjoyable it is.  And that is just one of hundreds of unenjoyable parts of business and life.

And, in many of those situations, or after I have dealt with those issues, I’d reach for a drink.

In the last month I’ve had a mountain of things to deal with and around 9pm, feeling exhausted but knowing I had to keep working, I’d once again reach for some medication in the form of fermented grapes, potatoes or wheat.

Interestingly, however, since my experience with ayahuasca I can totally manage my intake.  In the past, on particularly stressful days, those few drinks would turn into a few bottles.  In the last few months, however, no matter the situation, if I do drink it will be controlled.

That said, however, I have fallen more and more into having a sizeable (but not to the point of drunkenness) amount of drinks every night as I work until 2, 3 or 4 in the morning.

A few drinks, from time to time, I think is very healthy and actually something that most people should do.  It temporarily relieves some stress, it temporarily makes you feel a bit happy for once and it removes some of your inhibitions to actually say what you actually want to say!

But today was when I had my first ayahuasca revelation.

I had been wondering, a lot, about my experience.  Was it real?  Was something speaking to me or was I speaking to myself, or both?  And, if it was actually something real, what did it mean?  What does, “let others help you” mean?

Today I found out.

As I mentioned above, all of the things in my life lately (and believe me there are many things I don’t even tell you that would make you say: holy shit man, have a drink!) have caused me to not only overwork and be stressed out… but this has also caused me to reach for some easy alcohol medication in the evenings which, in turn, lowers my energy level over time… which, in turn, means that I spend less time with my family (that one most important thing, remember) and I could tell everyone in the family was aware of it.  Except the dogs, they’re always happy.

This morning the tension finally came to a head.

My wife, as many wives will do, let out all of her frustration and it mostly centered on how I needed to change to meet her and our family’s needs.

My nature is one of calm and I never get into an angry debate.  And, I think this makes my latina Mexican wife even angrier… because she is used to the telenovela style of passion: crying, yelling, fighting.  I just don’t do those things very much.

But as the furor kept increasing something in me snapped and I yelled at her.  She was in shock, she didn’t know how to respond.  I never yell, at anyone!

To paraphrase what I said as I was yelling, “F**k you, jesus christ, do you know what I am going through?  You know what I am going through!… I haven’t stopped working for five years!  Not an hour, much less a day!  You try that….. F**king bitch!  Jesus.  You try dealing with everything I deal with and see if you can spend more time with your spouse and kids, it’s impossible!”

She was still in shock.  I never yell.  She went through a range of emotions including anger and I could see she just wanted to smack me.  She reached for a pair of scissors, held it up in an aggressive fashion and said, “If you use violence against me I will use it against you!”.  She’s an anarchist.  She’s also a near twin in terms of both personality and looks to Sofia Vergera in Modern Family!  She’s fiesty.

Then we got into a bit of a debate about if yelling and words constitutes violence and after a few minutes she convinced me that it was and I apologized.

We then continued in a more calm conversation about how to fix our problems.  She acknowledged that what I have been going through is very hard and that she does understand… and we then discussed how we can make things better.

I started, “I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and you know I must keep doing what I am doing.  Everyone wants something from me. It’s just too much for one person to handle to please everybody all the time and to be everywhere at once.  I try but I can’t.”

She replied, “You never ask for help.  Don’t you see? And stop drinking so much.  It tires you out and then you don’t spend time with us because you are too tired or sleeping.”

I said to her, “Alcohol doesn’t control me… but I use it to deal with my stress/unhappiness/issues.”

She said, “I understand but you are now back to drinking every night, it’s not good.”

I thought about it for a few minutes as she went back to doing her hair and I said, “This isn’t a complicated problem.  I can easily stop.  What happens is, at night, after 12 hours of work and knowing I have 4 more hours ahead of me, I want something to help me feel better.  But it isn’t like I need it, it’s just right there.  And, I just grab it.”

I pondered on it a bit more and then said, “Can’t we just take all the alcohol out of the house so when I feel that way it isn’t so easy for me to get?  Half the times I wasn’t drinking in the last year was just because there was no alcohol in the house and it wasn’t that important to me to actually get up and go out and get it.”

She said, “Of course.  Why didn’t you just say that before.  Let us know what you need.  Why didn’t you just ask?”

I was stumped.  Why didn’t I come up with this idea before?  It’s so simple and can so easily fix a problem that is causing a problem with my family.

I responded to her, in a total daze, “I don’t know why I didn’t just ask before.”

She laughed and said, “You are so silly.  Sometimes you don’t see something right in front of your face.  If you want us to help you with anything just ask.”

I was still confused about why I didn’t.  I responded, “I guess I just never wanted to ask anything of anyone… I guess I figured I can and must control my own self and never ask for help from anyone”.

She laughed again, “That’s ridiculous.  We all need help from time to time.  You never let us help you.”

Right then I realized what was about to happen and it felt like the universe smiled right as my wife said, in the most calm and peaceful voice, “Let others help you”.

Thank you Mother Ayahuasca.

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