Actually, the poor did cause it

It is raining hard right now, and this makes me happy.

Why?

Because it will hopefully ensure that the “tens of thousands” of people marching against “austerity” have a thoroughly miserable time.

The protest is expected to draw 75,000 people according to its organisers who are a broad coalition of left-wing political groups.

It began outside the Bank of England at noon followed by a march to Parliament Square where a rally is expected to take place from 2:30pm until 5:30pm.

Damn. It looks like all of these brave Social Justice Warriors will have already been in the pub, drinking expensive cider before the rain really hit. So, it seems that your humble Devil will have to derive his satisfaction by sitting here (armchair warrior that I am) and mocking them instead.

So, no doubt a number of publicity-seeking slebs will be there—who has deigned to walk with the great unwashed, I wonder?

Among those better known faces attending are comedian and activist Russell Brand, Guardian journalist Owen Jones, singer Charlotte Church, Unite general secretary Len McCluskey, Green MP Caroline Lucas, and Labour leadership contender Jeremy Corbyn.

Charlotte Church? Marching with an estimated 75,000 people? Gosh.

A couple of weeks back, on Facebook, I urged Charlotte to heed her own advice and pay more tax.

Dear Charlotte Church,

I think that it’s lovely that you would be happy to pay 70% tax (albeit with provisos). However, I suggest that you make the first move, and send all of the extra tax to:

The Treasury,
1 Horseguards Road,
London.

You can tell those nice mandarins what budget you’d like the money to go to, and we can see how generous you’ve been.

Further, I am very much looking forward to the Treasury’s coffers being boosted by the similarly generous contributions of all of the people who will be joining you on the anti-austerity march.

If they all follow your example and pay tax at 70% for the rest of their lives, I am sure that the government will be able to support poor people much more generously.

Thank you in advance—you are a true philanthropist.

Regards,

c

Alas, Ms Church back-tracked somewhat—she said that, even if she did pay extra, it really wouldn’t sort anything out. Rich though she might be, her donation would be barely enough to keep the government running for more than 5 minutes.

But, just think, Charlotte: if only you were to stand up at this march and urge these kind socialist souls to join you in paying more—perhaps you and the 75,000 could raise meaningful amounts of money, year after year. A few days later, the Spectator embraced the suggestion—even being considerate enough to urge the Treasury to make it easier for these rich people to donate their cash.

At the end of our tax returns, we declare how much tax we owe. Osborne can introduce a new line in the tax return saying: if you think this isn’t enough, how much extra would you like to pay? People like Ms Toynbee and Ms Church can then fill in the extra so they can pay 50 per cent, or even 70 per cent, if they like.

This ‘nudge’ tax reform would be consistent with the liberal principles of a Conservative government while allowing left-wingers to act along with their conscience and hand over more of their income to the government.

So next time, rather than complain that they would be happy to pay 70 per cent tax, such people can proudly claim that they do pay 70 per cent tax. And they will have the tax return to prove it.

The Speccie even has the decency to address Charlotte’s complaint that paying more tax would make little difference.

Those saying that this voluntary tax would not make much difference are mistaken. The US runs this a similar (here) and under Osborne a huge share of the tax is drawn from tiny number of people. The best-paid 1pc now contribute 27pc of all income tax. The top 0.01pc pay 4.7pc (an average £2.6m each). The Charlotte Churches of our country – the 1 per cent, if you will – have never shouldered a greater share of the burden. So if she volunteered to shoulder an even larger share, it really would help bring an earlier end to austerity.

This change, alongside Charlotte Church’s fine example, really could make a difference—at least 75,000 people putting their money where their mouth is, and actually paying more tax. How heart-warming.

Of course, all of this does rather assume that these protesters are paying any tax at all. I would bet that a pretty hefty chunk of them are, in fact, nett beneficiaries of the state. Apart from anything else, a great many of them are almost certainly students, complaining that “austerity” is restricting the frequency of their ski holidays or something…

But hist! Who is this grinning loon, her evil shark-like eyes darting amongst the crowd? Why!—it is that bastion of barminess, Dr Caroline Lucas MP! Hooray for the good doctor (of Elizabethan literature)—lang may her lum reek, as they say in Scotland (apparently). I wonder what words of wisdom will drop from her lips…

Green MP Ms Lucas, who held onto her Brighton seat at the last general election, has spoken to packed crowds in Parliament Sqaure: “This Government is continuing to punish the poor for an economic crisis they didn’t cause.”

Well, this is a bit of a problem, isn’t it? I mean, I don’t want to be indelicate, but it is precisely the poor who have caused this “economic crisis”.

After all, the trigger for the banking crisis was people who walked away from mortgages that they couldn’t afford to pay. A great many of these people were… well… “the poor”. (Especially at the point that they couldn’t afford to pay their mortgage.)

For sure, this was exacerbated by over-leveraged banks trading mixed assets and, yes, in the UK we did bail out the banks. But we did, at least, bail them out by buying shares: and selling these shares (and sundry others charges to the state) will, in fact, make an estimated £14 billion profit for the British taxpayer. In fact, the government has been profitably selling Lloyds Bank shares for some months now.

But the “economic crisis” was exacerbated in the UK by the fact that the government was already running a pretty hefty structural deficit all through the boom years. And what was the largest part of this spending? Why—supporting “the poor”, of course.

And, of course, the Coalition and, now, Tory government has also been massively over-spending too. And who are the main recipients of this money? I’ll give you a clue, Caro—it’s not “the rich” because they don’t need it.

What? Yes, that’s right, the main recipient’s of this cash are “the poor”—’cos that’s how redistributive welfare works, y’see.

When looked at it that way, Caroline, the poor are, in fact, the primary cause of this particular economic crisis. I know it sounds harsh but it is, from this perspective, actually true.

So, I’m sorry, Caroline: on this—as on every other topic on which you offer your utterly valueless opinions—you are wrong.

Bad show—better luck next time, old girl.

Now don’t let the door hit your scrawny arse on the way out, will you?