Bedlam Blues

News is just coming in of a very serious charge being laid at the door of the Murdoch owned US financial thunderer The Wall Street Journal. According to a piece that appeared yesterday afternoon in the Far Right totally unbelievable and completely off-message site Zero Pledge, the key WSJ editorial columns are now being written by Meryl Streep’s unfortunately challenged younger sister Sesame, known almost universally at the WSJ as Miss Piggy.

ZP cited Sesame Streep’s two columns on successive days; the first – regarding arch-criminal Donald Dump – correctly pointed out how heroic FBI undercover heroes had, in 2022, filmed Dump during a 4^th July Garden Party lighting a rocket firework which then went on to spray the upper atmosphere with Carbon Dioxide now identified by the vast majority of global warming scientists as the crucial tipping point for our 2023 Year of Boiling Oceans and Hawaiian immolation.

The second Oped yesterday involved the disgraceful harassment Blessed Presidential Spawn Huckster Bidentate* has suffered at the hands of improper interference by Attorney General Merrick Garland’s department in order to politicise his legal difficulties, which are – as everyone knows – of an entirely technical, nit-picking and GOP fascist trouble-making nature – exemplified by petty gun thefts, taking drugs and indulging in onanism while driving an automobile, negotiating and receiving billion-Dollar Ukrainian bribes and other minor offences.

I can do no better than leave open-minded citizens to make up their own minds about the unspeakable political bias of Zero Pledge.

*However, I would add that a Bidentate is a person with toothlike projections that are themselves toothed. It is hard to imagine the hate speech required to pick on a sufferer from such a horrible condition….shame on you Percy Sledge.

Beloved World Saviour and medical navigator Fidelio Trudeau of Canacubada was this afternoon swamped with pleas from his unswerving supporters to be given permission for them to jump onto the nearest bonfire in order to set an example to those utterly selfish unvaccinated Far Right Little Canadians as yet still unable to accept their duty to die rather than infect innocent Canucks with their disgusting infections.

But as ever true to the cause of That Which Is Correct, El Caudillo Trudeau told the demonstrators, ”While I am well pleased by your submission to my will as Undisputed Witchfinder of all Unsettled Science infidels, I need you to vote early and often in order to keep approving my democratic Right as an elected lunatic to be Unrepresentative”.

U.S. Secretary of State Antony Blinken was in Kyiv yesterday to hammer out some key issues, primarily how many y’s Ukrainian leader Vlodomyr Zelenskyyyy wanted at the end of his name, whether Chicken Kiev should change its name, and whether it was in any way still realistic to call what was being planned ”a counteroffensive”.

Blinken arrived in the capital of Ukraine Wednesday in an unannounced visit just hours after the city was struck by a Russian missile attack, which suggests impeccable timing, except that the visit was unannounced because the spooks over at State suggested it was ”best to get to Vlodka before his third line of the day”.

State Department spokesperson Matthew Miller told news reporters that the visit was ”to show the United States’ unwavering commitment to Ukraine’s democracy, territorial integrity and democracy”, following which he burst into tears and whimpered – prostrate at the rostrum – ”May God forgive me”. To solidify the promise of commitment, Blinken announced his unwavering and fearless commitment to staying overnight in the 5-star Hotel Layno with a US Navy 974-C ”Saigon” helicopter out front purely as a precautionary measure.

Wandering aimlessly around London three days ago followed by a largely anonymous retinue of Shadow Cabinet minority-strokers (and an enormous film crew) Labour Leader Klaus Sturmer looked fit and relaxed as he strode forth ready to Build Back a Britain completely free of any nets. ”It’s the infernal nets that have held Britain back under the Tories,” he declared, ”so after the first hundred days of our historic LEGOLAND World Order, we shall lead the world in having zero nets”.

Asked how this would be enforced, Herr Sturmer said, ”We will use a fully democratic process of persuasion based on the stick and carrot method. Under this failsafe approach, we will give every compliant home a stick to eat, and undenetted dwelling owners will be stoned to death with carrots”.

Exactly one month ago, the West African organisation ECOWAS ordered Niger’s new military leaders to reinstate President Bazoume within seven days. ”One minute he was firmly in power and then Bazoom! he was gone hohoho” quipped Mali’s revolutionary Guard Supremo and Procul Harem fan Lamine Humbugito. Extra time has been declared in the 24 days since ECOWAS issued the threat – during which, solidarity group the OAU disagreed with ECOWAS and within its own ranks about the reinstatement thing, the do nothingthing, the military maybe thing….. and then, Chad’s President Mahamat Idriss Deby invited Niger’s junta-appointed prime minister, Ali Mahaman Lamine Zeine, for a visit, thus giving the finger to everyone both outside Niger and inside France, the Pentagon, the CIA and NATO. Later in the week, President Deby had a private security meeting in Sicily to negotiate the bodyguard and general protection services of Godfather Dino Carpaccio Gigolo Dellaqualia, the man credited with the successful assassination of God in 1980.

Meanwhile, the tiny African State of Lumbago has overturned the 328 year rule of the Idi Mugabe Kabila Mobutu Sekou dynasty following a bloodless coup orchestrated by Imamouel Makrongo and his Bankers’ Front for the Recolonisation of the French African Empire on de way comin’.

Britain and the EU said yesterday they had struck a pact to allow British scientists back into the world’s largest civilian science research programme after being frozen out in a post-Brexit row.

The driver behind this irretrievably backward step is of course our Fishy Rishi in charge of guiding the UK lifeboat back to the Titanic with a view to being gloriously pulled under by the metaphorical Ship of Superstate.

Under the Agreement, Britain will be required to believe in corruption-free useless vaccine purchases, vaccines that are not bioweapons, excess 15-45 year old unexplained deaths as mysterious, Zelenskyy as a drug-free hero, NATO as a force for peace, Putin as a mad doomed cancer victim, ghost riders in the sky, Jacinda Ardern as human, Build Back Better, Settled Science, New World Orders, Winged Horses, the belly-button Fairy, trickle down wealth and the neo-liberal-conservative Davos take on the relative health upsides of holding fresh steak (as opposed to deep-frozen locusts) on a fork….while still trying to take anything Klaus Schlaphead says seriously.

In the light of this,the blindly EU-devoted UK Opposition Labour Party issued a statement which – unlike much of this post – is shamefully inaccurate:

‘The U.K.’s opposition Labour Party welcomed the deal but said Britain had already missed out on “two years’ worth of innovation.”

The most alarming thing about satire in 2023 is that empirical Truth is often so much more ridiculous.