Sunday Surrealism & Spurious Spin

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Freshly-baked from the Slogadamus leaning oven of Pizzeria, the Top Ten predictions come to you now from the zero-mass speed-of-light dimension of Time’s continuum of illusion:

1. Africa’s problems simply aren’t soluble as long as….
2. …too many African negroes are at their happiest when blaming, blackmailing and taking handouts from white people

3. The will no longer exists in the UK to fire the NWO Establishments
4. The apparatus required in both the US and UK to put the Vaccine criminals in jail has been bought

5. Due to military emergencies to be blamed on Putin and Hamas, the ’24 potus election will be cancelled
6. The secret ‘microwave’ weapon used in Hawaii will be used in Gaza from an offshore US naval carrier

7. The Word of the Year that goes down in history for 2023 will be ‘spurious’
8. The shutter coming down on free speech and travel will be swift, unexpected and based on uncontrollable migrant violence in Europe

9. Western bourses aligned by the US will try to develop a digital destruction strategy to neuter the new brics reserve currency
10. China will talk the game of more liberalisation and less ideological confrontation in its foreign policy, but quietly walk the walk of NWO totalitarian imperialism through control of tech distribution, raw material mining and exchange based on gold.

Commenting on the above, Liquid CO2 Density Economics Professor Silas Felixir-Ovlyffe [right] cut through the BS like a table-knife through schmutter by asserting:

“Given the widespread acceptance of Turdeau’s Law [that the narcotics of narcissism are bisexually correlated with the stand-up comics of ancient mysticism and the weird beards of Cubo-Canadian infidelity] it must surely be obvious to the most brainlessly useless Earthling eater that the Zappata principle of lopsided mustache hair applies”.

His new book Legless in Gaza examines the prominence of the belly-button in defining excessive greed, and looks in enervating depth at why There Is No Alternative to drowning very poor people if the 13% majority of us wish to continue being rich beyond the dreams of Avarice*.

*Avarice Verstopfung von Schafshagger [left] is now 93 years old, but remains something of an enigma in the complex octophonic mess that is our world. She claims to have been having tumescent dreams every night about becoming rich via the bond markets since the 31st September 1944, but so far she remains a penniless soothburbler of great interest to the cult of German Shepherds who go “vuff, vuff, vuff”.

Along the way, Avarice has invested in every kind of market for Bonds – Close family Bonds, Super Glue Bonds, Mywordismy Bonds, Premium Bonds, Hydrogen Bonds, Vaga Bonds and James Bonds to name but a few – and in 2017 she was finally inducted into the Bonds Hall of fame along with Bernie Madoff, Ghislane Maxwell and George ‘Lips’ Bush Sr.

Some observers amongst the Cruise missile Peace Campers were expecting von Schafshagger to make a definitive move into US government Bonds now that yields are high and the Biden Debt stands at an unprecedented peak of $33 trillion…..which in numbers, looks like this:

$33,000,000,000,000

But Avarice declined to get involved, announcing through her favoured medium The San Francisco Skunk, “As a creditor, I feel it eez both ze patriotic duty und a personal verboten to get involved when there are twelve noughts before one gets to even any of ze numbers. Alles ist nicht in Ordnung dort hin, jah?’

Instead she plans to throw her Mary Quant hippy hat into the ring of the emerging Basildon Bond surge.

The all-conquering Slog has already noted that 2023 will go down in history as The Year of the Spurious Assertion, so we’ve asked a panel of expert dissemblers to comment on some of the more risibly silly “reasons” why everything we do appears to be so screwy. Our guests today are first, Gambian plumber Lamin Oacid; soccer pundit Ryan Bluffe; 7-star General Aaron Fire lll Jr; and the tea-lady here in Sloggers’ Roost, Mrs Fatima Paininmee.

So without further ado, let’s get to the big story of the week – WashingEUNATO surrounding every power between Gaza and Syria with a view to bombing them into the Stone Age…Lamin, what do you make of this?

L: Well de problem dey got dere wib all dese Secretive Services fram de perspective of de plumber see, they too leaky, so before you give dem towel ‘eads de damn good plasterin’, you gotta check for dem leaks, wow-me-man. But lef to me right, no question you got to put de Gambian mans in charge of all de plannin’ an’ invadin’ in ohdah to be making de worl safe fo as long as passybule…

Slog: I see, so you would hand over the NATO response to Gambians. Why?

L: Because we Gambia brovvers see, we always on de way cummin’ but never akchooarllee arrivin, innit? So all dem Pentigan fellas dey ringin’ on the smartalec phorn an’ yelling, “When is you goween to be bommin’ dem Iranical folks?” and we keeps sayin’, “Weez on de way cummin” when in fact weez busy gibbin’ one to de next door sista wiv de nice knockers an’…

S: ….Ah right well I think we’ve got the gist there; now – Ryan, from the soccer viewpoint, do you see the crisis as going into extra time?

R: Take yer hands out of yer pockets young man and pay attention. First up, the goalkeeper’s a clown….

S: …the goalkeeper being?

R: This fumble-fingers Netanyahu….I mean, the free kick by Hamas was telegraphed….bloody obvious. Yer wouldn’t see him in any team of mine.

S: Well hang on Ryan, he is the Rosh HaMemshala of Israel…

R: I don’t care if he’s Rosalind the Memsahib of Rishi Sunak, man’s a clown. Israel’s not coming forward from the back and their game gets too square in the midfield….they need to use the wing channels and start asking some more questions of the Iranian defence, it’s a game of two halves and the important thing is to hit the target and if all else fails, give the ref a bung.

S: Thank you Ryan, and now moving further on, let’s get the view of the professional….General Aaron Fire, suppose you were in charge of the NATO task force, what might your approach be?

A: Weyell, ahm afrain ah cayint tell yo’all that on account of I ayam the man in charge of the operation.

S: I say gosh, good gracious me….so,um, what can you tell us?

A: Well see here, we’ve had our best brains on this issue fo’ serm time now, and even if ah cayint go inna the full detail of how Operation Gamechanger will unfold, ah cayon still tell you what our intelligence gathering has revealed…

S: Please do….

A: OK Mr Slog, listen up….

S: I’m all ears, Aaron

A: OK, now hear this: yer see, that Putin kid, he’s all piss and wind, an’ yer ahab the Ayrab, weyell, his bowels turn ter warder the minute jess one lil’ ol’ cruise missile glides over his house. Now if we move real quick ayand start bombin’ the everlastin’ sheeit outta ever’thang from the Donbas to the Syrian heights, we gonna catch them Eyeran an’ Ruskie mothers with their goddamn pants down….see here an’ listen to God talkin’ Mr Slog, we gonna get our retaliation in first and ay-men to that.

S: I see. Tell me General, did you see John Kerry writing off everything from the farming industry to airline travel as a means of controlling Global Warming?

A: Indeed ah diyed, an’ missa Kerry, he’s a fine gennalman but that godda go on the backburner for now…

S: Interesting choice of metaphor there general, but surely – if you believe in man-made climate change, wouldn’t you expect that man-made irradiation of everything from Moscow to Gaza would make things worse?

A: Nosirr! We ess’mate that inna region of three hunnerd million people an’ livestock gon dyee, an’ that historic redurrcshun in breakin’ foul wind is sumpen future gen’rashuns gonna thyank us fo. But yer see, the reeeeel climate threat is comin’ from the slan’-eyed Commies to the east….

S: I see…. you mean China?

A: Yer gorrit in one, my friend. An’ once we got Rasputin safely back in his cage, well then….the yeller hordes gonna get theirs.

S: Well General, thank you for that unipolar recipe rationale. Now it’s time finally to ask Mrs Fatima Paininme [our highly skilled product of affirmative tea-trolley action] to pitch in with her take on this issue. Fatima?

F: Huh. Yer know what? I bin a-lookin’ up dat word ‘spurious’, an’ no doubts in mah mind at owall, bro: it not juss on de munneee, it godda be referrin’ to what all dis bullshit make a sister wanna do, as in spew. So ah hereby suggestin’ a small spelling change so’s we knowin’ what we dealin’ with an’ dat word am spewrius. Ain’t no person with an ounce o’ sense threatenin’ dem United States of Americans an dat why mah brother Gambian hittin’ de nail right on de head. Same de worl’ over: ever’one tryeen to pull de rug out from under our eyes but folks like me who is a deep horse, we got dem mothers covered.

Well, there we have it, but folks…as ever, the full spectrum of opinion here at The Slog. Enjoy the rest of your Sunday, but don’t necessarily assume that a week next Thursday is going to happen.

I know perfectly well that my occasional forays into surreal humour are not to everyone’s taste; but then, the one thing that binds us all together as Homo sapiens is that we’re all different. This post may seem to some self indulgent, glib, tasteless, the worst kind of stereotyping, and perhaps even – God help us all – racist. If your reaction is the last of these, this isn’t the website for you.

The Slog is and always has been about radical realism, and a desire to replace ideological lies with empirical data. My designation of 2023 as the Year of the Spurious Rationale is based one hundred per cent on freely available research findings that show how – on a casual daily basis – the Western media bend almost every issue out of shape and – in so doing – turn the knee-jerk minority into an alleged majority for revenge, rough justice, overreaction and the creation of one-eyed people in the kingdom of the blind.

The acronym with which I started this blog – IABATO: It’s All bollocks And that’s Official – has more than stood the acid test of time. The weirdness of Blair and Brown, the disgraceful wriggling out of female State Pension promises in the UK, the foul attempts to kill Brexit, the bank bailouts, the endless lies about Covid19, the obscene attempts to use braindead celebrities to sell vaccine death….all of this sinister drive has been vigorously opposed in these columns.

But this latest development out of the Hamas/Israel killfest is beyond all others. The circumstantial false flag somehow engineered to suggest that the Hamas was a ‘surprise’ has all the hallmarks of a 9/11 remake. And yet – out of nothing more than this apart from some empty Islamist sabre-rattling – the US unelected CIA/Pentagon complex now tells us that only taking out not just Gaza but also Iran, Syria and a Russian response offers the only solution to the “problem”.

It’s surreal, but it’s a bloody obviously false rationale. So whatever commentary style I can use, I will do so without a second’s hesitation.

This entire crisis is a confection. Call me Mr Nasty if you like, but the notion of rendering our planet uninhabitable as a means of settling local Semitic land rights in a tiny region of the Middle East is more surreal than anything you’ve read in this post.

It’s time the rest of the world ganged up on the antagonists and those geopolitical interests who arm them, whip up their hate and pretend that armed conflict can solve the problem….any more than the over-lobbied, corrupt UN can.

My money is on a massive boycott of the Palestinian, Israeli, American, Russian, Iranian and NATO related economies.

How about you?