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5 Signs Wall Streets Zombie Apocalypse Is At Hand

Thursday, August 8, 2013 13:42
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Commentary: Undead money pros mindlessly repeating upbeat phrases

Ryan Jorgensen – Jorgo / Shutterstock.com

Market Watch

 
By Brett Arends 
 
A reader writes: 
 
“Please help me. I have just finished watching ‘The Walking Dead’ on AMC and ‘World War Z’ in the cinema, and I’ve started to suspect that my money manager may be a zombie. I’ve been watching business TV and I think a lot of the people on Wall Street must be zombies as well. How can I be sure? Are there any tell-tale signs?” 
 
— Yours, Terrified in Tuscaloosa 
 
Dear Terrified, 
 
Thanks for your email. I think you are on to something. 
 
Some of us have suspected for a number of years that the Zombie Apocalypse has begun. (Have you noticed, for example, how few people actually think any more? They’re just walking around like… well, like zombies.) 
 
 
It’s especially bad on Wall Street. Actually, a zombie epidemic would explain a lot—especially the tendency of financial commentators to be so nonsensically upbeat. 
 
If you study zombie-lore from Haiti, you’ll find that classic zombies have lost all free will. They are basically automatons, doing the same things, over and over again, mindlessly. 
 
Does that remind you of the denizens of any Street you know? 
 
Unlike a zombie, most M.B.A. money-managers can actually form complete sentences, but what they have to say isn’t much more intelligent than the grunting of a B-movie monster. Here are five phrases that are a surefire giveaway you’re dealing with a financial zombie. 
 
1. “Mmmmwwaaaahhhh…. Cash on sidelines… market going higher.” 
 
You can pretty much switch on any business program on TV during market hours and hear this sentence being repeated like a mantra. Guess what? There is no “money on the sidelines” waiting to come into this market and magically drive share prices further up. There can’t be. Why not? Because every time someone buys a share, someone else has to sell it to them. As a result, the share and the cash simply change hands. No money has “come into” the market at all. 
 
This is a matter of simple logic, yet the cash-on-the-sidelines mantra refuses to die. What is the explanation? Zombies! 



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