What the Heck Just Happened?

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As a scribbler we are — at times — spoiled for choice. Today is one such time.

Yesterday the Supreme Court of the United States commenced proceedings into Colorado’s ruling barring Mr. Trump from the ballot…

Yesterday the United States Department of Justice issued an official report bringing into vast question the sitting president’s cognitive competence…

Yesterday the same president met the press to refute this report… and proceeded to affirm the report…

Yesterday Vladimir Putin appeared before millions and millions, to explain himself, under interrogation from Tucker Carlson.

Where to begin? Perhaps with the Department of Justice dispatch.

Special counsel Robert Hur — a Republican — concluded that:

President Biden willfully retained and disclosed classified information after his vice presidency when he was a private citizen…

“Willfully” retaining and disclosing classified information runs contrary to United States legal code.

Yet Mr. Hur did not recommend criminal prosecution. His reasoning is perhaps more damning to the president than prosecution itself.

It is because the fellow is too forgetful:

Mr. Biden’s memory was significantly limited… at trial, Mr. Biden would likely present himself to a jury, as he did during our interview of him, as a sympathetic, well-meaning, elderly man with a poor memory. Based on our direct interactions with and observations of him, he is someone for whom many jurors will want to identify reasonable doubt. It would be difficult to convince a jury that they should convict him — by then a former president well into his eighties —of a serious felony that requires a mental state of willfulness. 

The president subsequently appeared before the press. In the course of his comments he named the president of Egypt the president of Mexico.

Perhaps he confused, momentarily, the Crisis in Baja with the Crisis in Gaza?

We are willing to entertain the possibility.

We may even concede that the president is not only psychologically hale — but perhaps psychic!

He evidently harbors the occult capacity to communicate with the deceased.

In the past week alone the president relayed 2021 conversations with France’s Francois Mitterand and Germany’s Helmut Kohl.

Monsieur Mitterand passed beyond the rainbow in 1996. Herr Kohl, in 2017.

Yet the president talked to them both in 2021.

We expect reports of future conversations with similar 1980s stalwarts — Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan chiefly among them.

Alas… we do not believe the United States worthy of a president endowed with such prodigious psychic capacities.

It is far too crass and materialistic in orientation. Its sole concern is the here and the now.

These capacities may even distract the president from his secular obligations under Article II of the United States Constitution.

They may, for that precise reason, prove dangerous to the Republic.

“Mr. President, I need your urgent attention. Russia’s invading Poland, China’s invading Taiwan and Martians are invading Earth! What should we do?”

“Don’t bother me, I’m talking to Cleopatra.”

Thus we recommend that the fellow resign his post immediately… consecrate his energies towards ghostly pursuits… and entrust the nation to a person far worthier of its profane nature:

Vice President Kamala Harris.

Say what you will of her. Yet one capital fact remains:

She cannot communicate with the dead.

After all… she can scarcely communicate with the living…

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