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'American Idol' Results Recap: No Longer a Baker's Dozen...

Friday, March 11, 2011 16:09

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So last night we had our first Trail of Broken Karaoke Dreams of this season 10 final, and not at all shockingly I was very wrong about the results. But whatever, I got some of it right so let’s talk about what we witnessed in American Idol land last night.

It all started with a horrible, horrible, sing along with a canned track Michael Jackson medley. There should be laws against that. Seriously. I would rather have them butcher it singing live than butcher it singing over a track of their awfulness. That, and the girls doing the ‘Man in the Mirror’ thing? What? I didn’t get that at all. Not because of it being a gender issue with girls singing about being men in mirrors, but because there are actual dudes available to sing that song.

James Durbin Crap Scarf tail returned. So there’s that… Also, it occurred to me that Naima NEEDS to bust out an amazing rendition of ‘Billie Jean’ one of these nights. I think it would be brilliant.

We also found out that Casey Abrams had to go back to the hospital and would be missing the show. That’s too bad, but we knew he was safe anyway. I would rather be in the hospital than film one of those awful Ford Focus commercials myself, dude.

The first one sent to the Stools of Shame™ was Karen Rodriguez, which was kind of expected since she killed Selena all over again the night before trying to sing an impossible song. But we weren’t too, too worried about Karen because there were far worse people about to join her.

But first, before we crush a young person’s dreams…let’s have us some Diddy Dirty Money, yes? Not at all awkward with his ex Jennifer Lopez sitting right there…nope. She was seal clapping all over the place, a little too enthusiastically totally telling us, “I’m fine! This is fine. See? Diddy and I are cool!”

Of course.

Anyway, Seacrest then sent Wheeling’s own cross eyed Barbie Doll, Haley Rienhart, to the Stools of Shame™ along with singing abomination Ashthon Jones. We all knew it was going to be Ashthon going home at that point. I was DYING watching Lauren Alaina practically pee herself and stroke out at the possibility that no one liked her anymore and she would be headed to the stools too. Her family of big hair looked almost homicidal at the thought, too. Methinks lil’ princess Lauren might be that small town girl that hears ‘yes’ a lot, no?

So it was time for Ashthon to ~~beg the judges to stay~~ sing her life saving song to get the save. Then the dingaling decides to sing the SAME SONG that got her there! What? Who does that? Sing the song the judges sent you through with! A happy memory! Not something that Randy basically called ‘Roadkill on a Stick’.

But silly Ashthon sang that silly Diana Ross song, and didn’t get her save from the judges. Jennifer Lopez was clearly short circuiting all over the place because she just can’t be the bearer of bad news…you know what judges do…Randy Jackson just kind of shrugged, and Steven Tyler was in his happy place on the planted Neptune thinking about things, I guess.

So that’s that…see you on the flipside, Ashthon. Next time…song choice.

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