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'American Idol' Results Recap: Pia gets 'Hudson-ed'

Friday, April 8, 2011 12:19

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I don’t think I’m remiss in saying WHAT THE HOLY FRIGGIN FRICK HAPPENED ON AMERICAN IDOL LAST NIGHT?! Great Suzy Scott, that was like upside down day on the planet WTF!

When it was all said and done, children wept…women tore at their clothes…Jennifer Lopez had to take a shower and scrub the stench of Iggy Pop off of her, it was all very strange. Very strange indeed.

Let’s just cut to the chase. Of course there was a horrifically awful group number, Russel Brand was there, the nursing home dropped Iggy Pop off for a day visit, and we ended up with Jacob, Stefano, and Pia in the bottom three.

And I was really ok with it. Jacob was a tool the night before with his slam of ‘Let’s Get it On’ and then whatever he said about America not being able to look in the mirror if they voted him off, blah, blah, blah…I never got Jacob and why people like him so much, so it really wasn’t a big deal if he got the boot.

Stefano, I thought, was for sure a goner. He gave the only truly crappy performance and he’s just so darn cheesy, kind of like the ghost of Constantine Maroulis we saw last night, that it’s really time for him to bounce, and I would finally be right about an elimination for the first time in my American Idol soothsaying career.

It even made my mom short circuit a bit! There were two Italian kids in the bottom three! That’s like Sophie’s Choice right there, people. Not to mention she’s Team Jacob or whatever the hell, so I was in for it when the phone rang..

“First my Glenn Beck quits, and now this? What’s next, Jenny? Is Obama’s birth certificate going to get released? Two Italian kids in the bottom on American Idol? I voted 756 times! Why? Whyyyyyyyyy?”

I don’t know, Mom. Nothing is right in this world…but I eventually talked her down and got her to accept that Stefano would be the one eliminated, and he would go home, have some of Mama’s penne… No Mom, no one makes better penne than you, I promise… and then he’ll go be Aladdin at the Magic Kingdom or something. It’ll be fine. Just like that Jeb Bush/Sarah Palin campaign you light a candle for every night. Yes, Mom…Glenn Beck is going to be ok, too.

And just when I get her calmed down? PIA GETS ELIMINATED. I swear the shriek let out somewhere in Hoffman Estates shattered a window here 26 miles away.

I’m sure Mom’s ok…it’s not like it’s the first time her head exploded or anything…

So let’s talk about this whole Pia thing for a minute. See, this is why we need better judging. This panel is so busy handing out their smoke enemas, that nobody knows who to vote for. At least Simon could give us some direction and cull the herd a bit. Pia got lost in the shuffle, people took her safety for granted and voted to save Stefano instead.

The best voice doesn’t win this show. See Hudson, Jennifer. Truly talented people win things like Oscars and Grammys, so don’t sweat it, Pia. Fantasia Barrino won this thing, and look what a mess that whole situation is. You’ll go places, kiddo.

And there we have it, eight Idols left, mostly dudes. Pia leaving does open the door for Haley and Lauren, though. Neither one of them is an Underwood/Clarkson, but as long as James Durbin doesn’t win it’ll be fine.

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