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'American Idol' Top 9 Recap: Rock n' Roll Hall of LAME!

Thursday, April 7, 2011 18:31

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Well kids, it’s time to head on over to the Goat Rodeo that is American Idol and watch our little warbling gnomes sing for their supper again. And for reals, it wasn’t all that bad of the night. Infact, it might actually be hard to pick a loser from this bunch. Everyone brought their A-game and it was a nice change of pace.

So that begs the question of why I thought it was so lame… SONG CHOICE!

Sweet Jiminy Freaking Christmas could these kids pick a good song for a change? It’s the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame. SURELY you can do better than ‘Man in the Mirror,’ …right Jacob? Or maybe, just maaaaaaaybe we could find something better for a heffalump named Lauren Alaina to sing besides, “Natural Woman’… or pick a CCR song for Casey to perform that isn’t on the muzak loop in the grocery store.

And James Durbin, sweet…sweet Jimmy D. Um…how do I go about this gently… you see, Jimbo, it’s kind of well, stupid is the word that comes to mind, to go out there and sing a song called ‘While My Guitar Gently Weeps’ without an actual GUITAR IN YOUR HAND. It’s YOUR guitar weeping, man! Not the dude playing it next to you! Gah!

Stefano was really the only one that stunk up the place. That was just awfulness on a stick. ‘When a Man Loves a Woman?’ Really?

But some people got it right, so let’s talk about them.

Paul McDonald in the Hizzouse with some Johnny Cash, bishes! Hells yeah! THAT’S how you do it. I loved that performance infinity, and that’s not just the wine talking. Haley the Cross Eyed Barbie Doll was good too, but I find the whole Janis Joplin thing to be a bit trite after the 852 seasons of Idol. And Pia ~~Zadora~~ Toscano is jettisoning into becoming the next Katharine McPhee, I’m afraid. All voice, no personality. She did a bang-up job of ‘River Deep Mountain High’, but it was sooooo formulaic, and dull at the same time. There’s just nothing behind the eyes with that one.

Scotty sang an Elvis song with gangsta hands. I’m glad J.Lo said something because I was like, ‘why is this country boy getting crunked to an Elvis song?’ This stinking kid is gonna win. I was so irked that I totally couldn’t enjoy the Christian Slater moments! Sure Slater showed himself to be an epic douche with the tearing up at Lauren Alaina’s stoopid song, but I still love him anyway.

So let’s talk predictions. I’m going with Stefano, Paul and Lauren in the bottom. Aaaaaaannnnnddddddd coming soon to a Carnival Cruise Ship near you? Stefano.

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