Hitler Throws Helmet in Ring as Republican Candidate for President: “Why accept a pale imitation? I VILL VIN!!”

Originally Posted by barkinginthedark ⋅ September 18, 2011 ⋅ But just as relevant today

Adolf Hitler announced today through his Minister of Propaganda Josef Goebbels, that he would be entering the Republican Presidential Primaries. Herr Goebbels was quoted as saying; “Vat mitt der economic zituation in America caused by zose zwei schmucks Cheney und Bush, ve feel it’s der perfect sturm – und der drang alzo – to chump in hobnail boots first”

Mr. Hitler interviewed later at his aerie in Berghtesgaden said; “ It ist eine shlam dunkel, considering Ich can outmean zis Donaldt Trump putz any day in die woche…nein, forget die week – in die year! Vat’s he killed – a couple of facts? Ha! My boy Josef put out more lies in ein montag zan Herr Trump did in alles des phony “debaten.” Remember meine Joeyla said: “If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it.”

Hitler, appearing tan, fit, and rested, owing to his almost 75 year absence from the world stage went on; “Zese are die best liars in die Republicanischer party? Is zis eine joke? Goebbels here could make bullshitten und propaganda far better zan zese rank amateurs on zat farshtinkener debate stage die uzzer nacht und zose female impersonators behind der scene like zat Rove clown, und zis poseur zis obese Limbaugh freak – who probably looks even fatter in his dresses zan zat fat Hermann Goering did, if you can believe it. Und der crap zat zis coma wictim Carson ist dishink up ist rotting schweinefleisch by comparison. All amateur liars! Not ein professionalischer among zem!

Aber Ich zaw on Fox TV after der zo-called debate zis ersatz whacko Neil Cavuto, posing as eine chournalist, askink zis Herr Carson nutball how he vould handle alles of die questions about his lies und he said, “I can control that…I can simply say; look people, go jump in the lake.” Ich gotta tell you, Ich chumped up und down mitt choy at zat answer.

Aber, zey mostly all shprechent real tough vich does make me laugh because most of zem have never zerved in der military, aber zey are zo ready to zend alles of everyvone’s kinde into battle – vich Ich alzo gotta admire.

Und die Frau Fiorina schprechens tougher zen any of zem, und might have die biggest balls…she may be a female inpersonator – ja? Anyvay, meine man Josef here makes all zere *dummkopf lies look like **Schwein Scheißen, a shmelly ***Scheißhaufen, und nossink more.

Zis Republicanischer crowd vants to kill Zocial Zecurity? Ja? Vy efen bozzer? Und zis Obama Healss care? Die Republicans vant to kill it – Ich shprech again; vy efen bozzer? I vill chust kill people. I vill march everyvone ofer 65 straight into die ovens – Poof! Zer ist nein need fir Zocial anysing. Und Ich vas blaming die immigrant Jews und der media fur alles long before zese patzers. So Ich am der real Republican.”

Mr. Hitler than startled all of us in the assembled press by suddenly leaping to his feet: “Let’s chust cut to der chase here ja? If you are not white, YOU ARE NOT RIGHT! YOU ARE OUTTA SIGHT! Zese puny Republicans are chust dancing around vat zey really vant – und vat zey haff every right to haff – a good alte fashioned Third Reich kind of all pure vite Aryan Nation – BECAUSE (he pounded his desk with his fist) MIGHT MAKES RIGHT, UND DER FAR RIGHT MAKES EFEN MORE MIGHT!!

UND CONCERNINK VAT DESE IDIOTEN VAS SHPRECHEN DIE OZZER NACHT IN DER PHONY DEBATE: DIE ONLY SINK ICH COMPLETELY AGREE MITT DIE REPUBLICANISCHER CANDIDATEN IST… ICH VILL DESTROY DER MEDIA!!!

VE DO NOT NEED MEDDLERS LIKE DER MEDIA SHNOOPINK INTO OUR PLANS TO DEREGULATE VALL STREET, UND TO GET RID OF ALLES DES REGULATORY AGENCIES LIKE DER FOOD SAFETY, DER ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY, UND SOCIAL PROGRAMS LIKE FOOD SCHTAMPS, UND DER CONZUMER PROTECTIONS ETC, UND TO KILL DEAD OBAMACARE, TO NEFFER RAISE DIE MINIMUM VAGE, TO LOWER ALLES TAXES ON CORPORATIONS UND DIE WEALTHY – REMEMBER ZEY KEEP US IN POWER – UND MOST IMPORTANTLY, VE MUST BUILD UP DIE PENTAGON BUDGET VILE VE KILL DEAD ZOCIAL ZECURITY BECAUSE VE NEED ZISS MONEY FUR TO MAKE VAR!!! ZAT IST EINE REAL REPUBLICAN!!!

He sat back down.

“Ja…und by doink zis Ich vill restore Die Republicanischer Party to zer rightful place in der welt! Zese are sings zat most of zese Republicanischer veasels vant aber zey do not go far enough! Fur example: Ich vill get rid of all zese useless immigrants schweine – ziz ist die only sing Herr Trump hass gotten correct. Aber vy a vall? As diese Republicanischers all know Die Pentagon needs ziss money. I vill zimply exterminate zese immigrant schweine like Ich did mitt die Juden. Und zen Ich vill invade Mexico und destroy zem alles – Vy not? ICH AM DIE REAL RACIST, NOT ZESE AMATEUR RACISTS!

Und as for this shweet little teeny tiny itsy-bitsy frau Fiorina mitt die fryink pan face…vat can I say? Vell… she ist ein first-rate liar, und she did destroy ein entire company, zo she ist ein frau after meine own hertz.”

Tell me; vy settle fur imposhter nutballs like zis “Der Donaldt” mitt a cuckoo nest on his kopf, or zis sad-faced clown Cruz who alvays looks like zer ist ein qvestion puzzlink him, or zis sleepwalking schwartzer zombie Carson, ven you can have der real lunatic – ja?

I vill run as a proud Right – wing Republicanischer Fascist, und knowing der microscopic IQ of die American electorate, und zere hatred of die blackie in der vite haus, und zere short attention schpan und total, abysmal ignorance of history und…”

He leapt to his feet again, right arm outthrust, and SCREAMED;

“I VILL VIN!!! I VILL VIN!!! I VILL VIN!!!

HEIL MYSELF!!!”

Author’s note: re: schweinefleisch, schweine et al – No Pigs were harmed in the writing of this piece, and by no means is this meant in any way to demean that noble friend to man the wonderful Pig…and all dear little Piglets everywhere.

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Filed under: Cautionary tale, commentary, Humor, satire, writing Tagged: Ben Carson, Donald Trump, Immigrants, Republicans, Social Security, Ted Cruz. Carly Fiorina Barking in the Dark is run by Tony Powers, a writer/actor/musician.