1,400 Mistubishis Lovingly Laid to Rest

By Zack Klapman

1,400 suffering Mitsubishis were laid to rest last week, departing this world into the deep sea from which many of the beastly creatures’ plastic panels were born. The funeral proceedings were carried out by the cargo ship Baltic Ace, which selflessly sank, taking the role of a mausoleum for what it called, “A merciful gesture, Kevorkian-like in its intent, but without the scary, sunken eyes.”

The chunks of metal and plastic gently released into the freezing ocean just off the coast of Belgium. But it wasn’t a solo effort. Another boat, the Corvus J.  joined the ceremony, by providing the  gentle crucial catalyst needed to begin the ceremony: crashing into it and piercing its metal hull. The Baltic Ace explained, “Have you seen Terminator 2? Know how he can’t self-terminate? Right. Just like that. I wanted desperately to set the souls of these horribly deformed Mitsus free, but I can’t sink myself. I needed help, and Corvus stepped up. ”

The cars had all grown up dreaming of being highly-sought pedestrian transporters, not knowing their fate lay with rental lots, or being the regretful purchase of a Checks Cashed patron. The world looked on, saddened, but knowing it was unfair to allow the Outlanders and Galants to go on living. Born deformed, weak, and with facial compositions known for turning children white with fear, the world had agreed this was one time when assisting evolution was acceptable. (The subspecies, Mistubishus Evolutionus, was unanimously voted to be allowed to live, with some countries even sending generous relief efforts in the form of a red $46,000 Zune).

The burial was controversial, because Belgium does not allow euthanasia. But, because the ceremony was carried out in international waters, their jurisdiction remains questionable.

While some have cried that this is a horrific event, and a step too close to playing God, one plum-colored Outlander spoke up for the group, “Would you want to go through life like this? Moved from lot to lot, passed over by even the most boring, tasteless drivers? Sold to the brothel of Hertz or AVIS, to be used by countless people, who treated us like disposable silverware? We believe in re-incarnation. So, for all of us, this is a chance to break free from this life, and come back as something new, different, better. My dream? To come back an Audi or Porsche.” He added, “….no, not the crossovers. A real car.” All the departed had big marque dreams, but admitted almost anything is better than how they’ve lived. “Except being a Lincoln.”

Source: AutoBlog

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