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It’s rare that a sequel trumps the original, but The Expendables 2 manages to do just that, with a steady stream of one-liners and welcome, weathered faces, as well as a few new ingredients. E2 seems even more self-aware of its own silliness, especially with Jean-Claude Van Damme as the villain (named Vilain, of course), and Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger popping up in smaller roles alongside previous Expendables Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Bruce Willis, Terry Crews, and Randy Couture.
On the plus side, fully half the picture’s stars can now see the finished film at reduced “golden age” pricing. So really, I have no beef with The Expendables 2. It has enough already. Some of the participants look like bassett hounds with muscles.
The plot is as thin as a slice of cheddar, and only slightly cheesier. A bad Belgian (Jean-Claude Van Damme) is trying to get his hands on an abandoned mine in Albania, full of enough plutonium to send a fleet of DeLoreans back to the future. A team of mercenaries with literally hundreds of years of collective experience among them is sent to stop him.
Leader of the pack (and incidentally one of the film’s four writers, as well as the director the first Expendables) is Sylvester Stallone as Barney Ross, a man with the gruff demeanour of Tommy Lee Jones and the body of three Tommy Lee Joneses.
And they’re still using the same yippee-ki-yay catchphrases and the same roundhouse kicks (which I think is written into Van Damme’s contract) before they synchronize their brass knuckles and head into yet another brawl.
I started to wonder whether you couldn’t re-create this film — at a fraction of the cost, mind you — with an editing suite and a stack of the stars’ old movies on DVD. Certainly Chuck Norris doesn’t seem to have aged as he swaggers into his first screen role in six years. Missing in action? More like he was being held hostage by a group of rogue plastic surgeons.
If the lads reunite for The Expendables 3, I have but two simple requests. First: Woody Allen may have said that 80% of success is showing up, but your fans demand a little more effort. Please, make your plot more than an amalgam of Cold War elements, and give us at least one new zinger we can hang onto for the next 25 years. Secondly, one word: Expendablest.
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