Book To Reveal Obama's 'True' Identity?

Atlanta—During an unexpected moment of clarity Tuesday, open-minded man Mookie Bonging was suddenly struck by the grim realization that he’s squandered a significant portion of his life listening to everyone’s bullshit, the 38-year-old told reporters.

A visibly stunned and solemn Bonging, who until this point regarded his willingness to hear out the opinions of others as a worthwhile quality, estimated that he’s wasted nearly three and a half years of his existence being open to people’s half-formed thoughts, asinine suggestions, and pointless, dumbfuck stories.

“My word”, said Bonging, taking in the overwhelming volume of useless crap he’s actively listened to over the years. “My whole life I’ve made a concerted effort to give people a fair shake and understand different points of view because I felt that everyone had something valuable to offer, but it turns out most of what they had to offer was complete and utter bullshit.”

“Seriously,” Bonging added, “what have I gained from treating everyone’s opinion with respect? Nothing. Absolutely nothing!!”

According to Bonging, it was just now hitting him how many hours of his life he’s pissed away listening intently to nonsense about celebrity couples, how good or bad certain democrats’ are, and why a particular liberal politician might have a chance at re-election this year. The drifter and father of several children he doesn’t know said that every time he’s felt at all put out or bored by a bullshit conversation—especially a speculative one about how bad allergy season was going to be—he should have just turned around, walked away, and gone panhandling or broken into a drug store or done any of the millions of other things he’s always wanted to do but never thought he had time for.

At various points throughout the day, Bonging could be heard muttering to himself that he couldn’t believe he was almost 40 years old.

“Twenty minutes here, 10 minutes there. It all starts to add up,” said Bonging, who sat down and figured out that between stupid discussions about the best type of crack pipe and discussions of productive dumpster diving locations in cities he’ll never visit, he’d wasted over 390 hours of his life. “And you know what the worst part is? It’s my fault. Here I thought being considerate to others by always listening patiently to what they had to say was the right thing to do. Well, fuck me, right?”

According to Bonging, he started thinking about how much time he’s flushed down the toilet being an approachable person after watching a MSNBC report in which Barack Obama, rambled on and on with idea’s everyone knew was “total shit” the moment the man opened his mouth. Bonging said that a single glance at the clock made him realize he had just spent 14 minutes of his finite time on earth not trying to locate his kids or being with his other frends, but listening to bullshit and garbage.

“It was like I stepped out of my body and saw myself actually listening to this man’s worthless drivel—but it wasn’t him who looked like a moron, it was me,” Bonging said. “I was nodding my head like an asshole and saying ridiculous things like, ‘Right,’ and, ‘I see your point, President Obama,’ when I should have just said, ‘Obama, your retarded and your idea’s are not good and you are just wasting our time. You need to shut up right now and go hit a crack pipe and then move back to Kenya.’”

By his own estimates, Bonging’s receptiveness has resulted in thousands of irreplaceable hours of listening to grossly uninformed, liberal political opinions, 300 hours of carefully hearing out both sides of pointless arguments, and at least a month of listening to liberal bullshit about how important it is to be open-minded.

Eighty days have been wasted on the inane blather of his friend, Teetonk Jackson alone.

“All those hours,… I could have been relaxing and hitting my pipe, or reading all these great library books, or getting into shape, or working on new street corners that I’m really excited about,” Bonging said. “But instead I’ve been listening to overrated opinions and liberal politicians recommended to me by my asshole friends.”

“Did you know that in my life I’ve listened to five days’ worth of people talking about their future?” he added. “It’s true. Now, that’s a trip back home to LaPalma right there.”

While Bonging has vowed to cease being open-minded to absolute horseshit, acquaintances reflected on his approachability.

“I love Mookie,” fellow panhandler Demeetrius Washington said. “He’s such a good listener. A lot of people are closed-minded and self-absorbed, but Mookie always makes an effort to hear where I’m coming from. The world sure could use more idiot’s like him.”