Obama, Biden Killed in Separate Incidents; America Rejoices

DISTRICT OF CRIMINALS — pResident Barack Obama was killed today in a violent sand flea attack when attempting to swim at Martha’s Vineyard. Minutes later, vice pResident Joe Biden was killed when his plane went down in the Himalayas after the pilot did a flyby of Mt. Everest so Biden could look for signs of Yeti.

Obama, who had been enjoying his presidential record-setting 48th vacation, had just hit the beach with Mrs. Obama, when a swarm of millions of sand fleas surrounded him. Sources said Obama squealed like a girl during the attack and screamed “I’m not the Lord of the Flies!” and flailed his arms about, before collapsing to the ground and suffocating. Within minutes, he was dead.

Mandible Thorax, a prominent entomologist from the University of Massachusetts Amherst, said the insects were likely transient unemployed fleas from Las Vegas who were upset about the dismal economy and looking for a cheap thrill.

“I knew the pResident was into some kinky sex, what with that Larry Sinclair rumor still floating about, but autoerotic asphyxiation by enraged sand flea is not the way I’d want to go,” Thorax said.

Mrs. Obama blamed the pressures her husband was under from the economy he inherited, ATMs, white terrorist tea party members, the GOP, Arab Spring, the Japanese tsunami, the Gulf Oil Spill, and the presidential power limits of the Constitution for forcing him to take so many vacations.

“If everybody would have just cooperated and let him do things his own way he never would have been on that beach in the first place,” she said. “I think I need to go eat an entire McDonald’s restaurant just to process all of this.”

Biden, meanwhile, was returning from a trip in China, where he’d praised China’s draconian one-child-per-family policy. He’d had the pilot of Air Force Zero deviate from the flight plan so that Biden could use his Hello Kitty binoculars to scan the barren snowcaps of the Himalayas for Yeti. High winds swirling around Mt. Everest, however, forced the plane down, and it disintegrated on impact.

The startling news swept America quickly.

Drunken revelers crowded Times Square, where they watched live coverage of the events on the Sharp/NBC giant TV screen, chanting “you are not the one we were waiting for.” The Dow immediately shot up, finishing a scorching trading session 1,700 points higher, the biggest one-day rally in Stock Market history. Employers across the country immediately posted job notices, anticipating the economy would suddenly turn around over night. Shops selling Obama souvenirs burned them in the street.

But not everyone rejoiced.

A distraught Wicked Witch of Congress and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi threw herself from the Golden Gate Bridge. She was subsequently eaten by a 25-foot Great White shark, who immediately regurgitated her remains and rolled over and died.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid collapsed at his Searchlight, Nevada, home and could not be revived. An autopsy revealed Reid had long ago had a lobotomy; examiners found an alien microbe in his brain cavity that resembled a piece of feces.

Late in the day, Republican House Majority Leader John Boehner was sworn in as president in a small ceremony on the steps of Congress. He cried. Congressman Paul Ryan was sworn in as vice president.

For his first act as president, Boehner introduced a bill he said he’d brokered with Senate Democrats that would reduce the national deficit by $3 trillion over the next 10 years. The Congressional Budget Office immediately released an analysis, indicating the bill would actually reduce the deficit by $1 in each of the next 10 years.

Ryan’s first move as vice president was to announce he was running for president in 2012.

“I have no idea if President Boehner plans to run, but if he does and wins, we’ll probably be in worse shape than we are now,” he said.

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