Twins are Ruining My Life - Mom Speaks after Dad's Essay
I don’t want to read the message boards that talk about what a joy twins are and how it’s so worth it and how “this too will pass” and what a blessing it is. When I complain that this pregnancy feels extremely more difficult than my first one, I don’t want to hear another doctor say, “Well it’s different – there are two.” None of this makes me feel any better. Quite frankly, it just pisses me off.
Before pursuing fertility I was a positive person, a cheerleader type with the mindset that everything happens for a reason. Now I find my mindset has shifted. While I am grateful we are pregnant, I am changed. There has been too much pain, too much struggle, and not enough learning. The “glass half full” person is no longer. The twins are coming fast, and I don’t feel a sense of joy. Instead, I feel responsible. We only wanted one.
Yet despite these challenges, we still wanted another child - a sibling for our son, mind you, not so much for us. We spent the next two years trying to conceive. Every month when I would get my period, I didn’t just feel grief or disappointment – I was losing hope. I was exhausted and depressed. The emotional pain was incomprehensible to me. I was eroding as a person, losing weight and not being the best mom, wife, or professional.
I wonder how much strain having two infants at the same time will put on my marriage and older son. We are not rich. We work hard to provide a good life for our son, and we have dreams, as all families do, of going to Disney, college, etc. I worry about how much of our attention and resources will be taken away from our firstborn. We also now need a bigger car and a bigger house. What had I done?
I thought of colic, and the change that postpartum depression had inflicted on me the first time around. Why would the universe, God, karma, whatever, whomever think it was a good idea to bring forth twins in our lives? When would anything go my way? Before I had children, it seems like it used to.
I completely acknowledge that for many, the journey to conceive is more difficult than our story. I realize better people than me are out there feeling joyful and benefiting from a far sunnier perspective. For anyone who is worried about me and my husband, our son brings us a ton of joy. We are always amazed by how much we love him, and I’m sure this indescribable love will extend to his brothers. But for now, I’m having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Source: http://912member.blogspot.com/2013/06/twins-are-ruining-my-life-mom-speaks.html
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