Our Military is Prepared for Godzilla, But Is Obama?

Many people nowadays are rightly concerned about the threat to America posed by massive radioactive lizards. In a recent Pew poll, concern about Godzilla and other Kaiju (giant monsters) related violence ranked below joblessness but above global climate change and income equality. In geographic terms, concern was highest on the coasts, but that is to be expected as most attacks come from the sea, with the huge beasts emerging from the water in a spectacular and terrifying show of unnatural force. The Pew poll did note, however, that some cities in the Midwest, particularly Chicago and St. Louis also had pockets of worried citizens, possibly related to their proximity to Lake Michigan and the Mississippi River (it is unknown if Godzilla can live in a fresh-water environment).

Fortunately, the U.S. military has an answer. Unsurprisingly, it comes from the area most likely to be affected by Kaiju-inspired violence, the USAF 18^th Wing located in Japan. A barrage of white phosphorous missiles from either ground or aerial sources would be used to blind the creature and then guided massive ordinance penetrator weapons dropped from bombers would be used to finish it off. The geographic area of the strike would likely suffer contamination from radioactive flesh and debris but it would be localized and relatively easy to clean up.

The biggest concern among military minds is not if they can contain and destroy colossal mutant creatures, but if Obama administration has the will to issue the orders. Such an operation would likely cost upward of a billion dollars at a time when Obama is already seeking cutbacks in the military. In addition, critics of the administration point to a series of failures to respond to more mundane threats, such as the attack on the compound in Benghazi, the faded “red line” in Syria, and the occupation of the Crimean peninsula by a resurgent Russia. Obama’s “lead from behind” style of leadership and a desire to build a coalition of willing partners instead of taking unilateral action requires time and diplomacy, two things in short supply when a coastal city is being crushed beneath the weight of a gigantic scaled foot or torched with radioactive fire.

Still, the White House is not willing to concede that it does not have what it takes to defend America and the world from Kaiju and other hideous creatures, some of which come from humanity’s own environmental messes. Press Secretary Jay Carney pointed to recent enhanced EPA regulations as attempts to prevent smog and slime monsters resulting from illegal toxic waste dumping. Obama himself promised to protect America, saying “If you like your city, you can keep your city.”