Our Elves Are Watching U

Oh sure, they look cute and innocent.

Butt look closer, they may be government agents:

Or possibly even double agents. You simply can’t trust them.

They may all be working for the NSA for all we know.

WASHINGTON — Internal documents from the National Security Agency show that its intelligence-gathering reached far deeper into Santa Claus’s annual toy-distribution operations than acknowledged. Sources close to the agency had previously confirmed that it has been provided with the contents of Mr. Claus’s database of naughty and nice children under a confidential data-sharing arrangement. But according to the documents, which were among those leaked by Edward Snowden, the N.S.A. also has direct access to one of the North Pole’s most closely guarded sources for that database, the daily field reports filed by Elf on the Shelf agents.

Since 2005, Mr. Claus has outsourced much of his behavioral analytics research to the Elves on the Shelves. Employing sophisticated surveillance technology, the Elves inform Santa about children’s toy-worthy activities — or, in some cases, recommend the delivery of coal, instead.

Under a program codenamed NSANTA, the agency has surreptitiously installed wiretapping devices inside the North Pole data center through which all communications to and from the rest of the world pass. The devices are custom-designed to identify and copy all incoming reports from an Elf, no matter where its Shelf happens to be located.

It is unclear whether the the interceptions are taking place with the knowledge or consent of North Pole authorities. Mr. Claus has long had a tense relationship with the United States government. Some have speculated that NORAD was able to extract extensive concessions in 2010, when the most recent treaty allowing him access to United States airspace was negotiated. Vixen and Comet have alleged that they were placed on the no-fly list in 2006 after delivering presents to Middle Eastern countries, and the Transportation Security Administration has confiscated millions of plastic toy guns from Mr. Claus’s sleigh. (more)

And don’t be feeling complacent if you don’t personally participate in the Elf on the Shelf Christmas tradition:

We now have alternate methods of keeping track of your behavior.

They’re called “cell phones”

Nor should you feel complacent by virtue of your position in the hierarchy; we watch everyone even the duly elected elves themselves.

So go ahead, enjoy all the perks of office while you can:

As long as you remember that being an elf doesn’t exclude you from being spied on. And everything we find can and will be used against you.

Hands Up! Don’t Shoot!

So remember, when you knowingly invite the elves to occupy your shelves and spy on your children you may be inadvertently training them to become Obots indoctrinated brain-dead members of the Hive – not that there’s anything wrong with that.

When parents and teachers bring The Elf on the Shelf into homes and classrooms, are they preparing a generation of children to accept, not question, increasingly intrusive (albeit whimsically packaged) modes of surveillance? – Who’s the Boss

Because, shoot – we can’t teach children the difference between fantasy and reality when there really isn’t much anymore. Can we?

So please, if you care about truth and justice, join my campaign today to help free the Elf from the unjust allegation of illegal spying. Allow him to once again sit, judgmentally, on the shelf. Free the Elf from all that Great White North Guilt! And Privilege.

NOTE: I’D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE TO ANYONE WHO MAY BE OFFENDED BY THIS PRIVILEGED WHITE, RACIST, SEXIST POST.