“Make America Great Again”… Miss America That Is…

It’s time to make Miss America Great Again!

Last night was the 2016 Miss America contest (the only beauty pageant NOT owned by Donald Trump). It was filled with the usual displays of talent, runway strutting and stupid questions to which there can only be stupid answers. And this year’s contestants did not disappoint. Just like “sort of Marge” in the Essurance commercial, each Miss America wannabe maneuvered the loaded questions with confidence, smiley faces, mixed metaphors, dangling participles and non sequiturs.

Beauty queen shares her opinion on healthcare in the America of the U.S.

Topics covered every conceivable issue crucial to the future of America: : Planned Parenthood, gun control, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign and…DeflateGate!?

First Miss Tennessee re. Planned Parenthood,

Hannah Robison, Miss Tennessee

“I don’t think Planned Parenthood funding should be cut off. The $500 million that gets given to Planned Parenthood every single year goes to female…care. It goes for scanning for cancers, it goes for mammograms…and if we don’t give that funding to Planned Parenthood, those women will be out of healthcare for reproductive causes.”

Nicely done, you’ve been properly programmed. Miss South Carolina, Daja Dial, on the other hand failed her indoctrination test with her answer on gun control, saying she DIDN’T think military style assault weapons should be banned. Where on earth is she from? Oh right – South Carolina, where they still believe in the Second Amendment.

Daja Dial, Miss South Carolina

Next, Miss Alabama is asked about The Donald’s meteoric popularity and responds that “the GOP should be terrified” of The Donald, who’s “just and entertainer” who is sucking all the oxygen away from more qualified candidates like Jeb and Chrissy. She wraps it by saying if she were a Republican (apparently she is not) she’d be absolutely terrified of Donald Trump.

Meg McGuffin, Miss Alabama

If I were Meg, I’d be terrified of The Donald too – has she seen how he hits back?

And finally, we come to Betty Cantrell, Miss Georgia, who makes an admirable attempt at not voicing an opinion on whether Tom Brady is a cheat or not butt ultimately falls into the trap and gives them the answer they were looking for: she’d have to feel his balls to decide.

Did he cheat? Um, that’s a really good question! I’m not sure. I think I’d have to be there to see the ball, and feel it to make sure it was deflated or not deflated. But if there was question there, then yes, I think he cheated. If there were any question to be had, I think that he definitely cheated, and he should’ve been suspended for that. That’s not fair.

Where upon she was swiftly pronounced the winner. I’m not saying it’s because of her answer – she is drop-dead gorgeous and can sing a mean aria; butt since we haven’t had a winner of color since 2013 (and even she wasn’t authentic, being of Indian descent) it was the black candidate’s turn to win. If only she hadn’t screwed up that loaded AK-47 question, the crown would have been hers. Because you know…black lies matter.