Top Prosperity Theologians Puzzled Over Death Of Jan Crouch

Top Prosperity Theologians Puzzled Over Death Of Jan Crouch

ORLANDO, FL—As the nation mourns the sudden and unexpected loss of TBN co-founder Jan Crouch, various baffled prosperity gospel preachers have begun offering theories Tuesday on how Crouch could possibly have passed away, given her overabundance of faith, her supernatural ability to name and claim health and wealth at will, and her decades of collecting donations while promising that God’s will is for everybody to be wealthy and healthy.

“Even the best of us, like Jan Crouch, have moments of doubt, when we allow a downward spiral of negative thoughts to take hold and steal our health,” Joel Osteen noted in a video posted to Facebook. “Maybe she read a really mean tweet or some criticism of her theology, and she spoke the words out loud and gave them life. How else can you explain someone who possessed supernatural health from God dying four years before the average female life expectancy in the U.S.

“She must’ve spoken negative words out loud. That’s the only explanation I’ve got,” Osteen concluded.

Fighting off tears, televangelist Benny Hinn told reporters during an interview that Crouch must have spoken her own death into existence. “People who are strong in faith unlock their own potential and destiny. Jan must have tired of the treasures of this life—luxury has its limits.

Bishop T. D. Jakes posited his own theory in an afternoon press release, stating that the massive stroke she suffered must have simply had more faith than her. “We must speak victory over our obstacles, and in this case, the stroke must have somehow released its life force by declaring victory over Jan Crouch’s health—activating God to do its will through faith, unfortunately.”

Lastly, Kenneth Copeland gave an interview saying that the circumstances of her death didn’t make sense, before nervously adding that he’s going to increase his health declarations to four times per day, since he “ain’t gettin’ any younger” himself.

Whatever the reason for Crouch’s sudden passing, Trinity Broadcasting Network has announced an upcoming month of solemnly and aggressively seeking donations in her honor.

Top Prosperity Theologians Puzzled Over Death Of Jan Crouch

OK, I don’t know if the above statements are TRUE or presented as levity, I personally have no problem believing some of this could have actually been said but I also know the propensity of the media to say anything and everything to garner *hits* and boost numbers.

I DO know this; I fully and sincerely believe that Crouch missed her calling, she should have been a PORN actress or a Madam in a floozy-filled brothel, with her shtick she would have been successful in that field as well, and a hell of a lot more believable.

I have long believed that these *prosperity* preachers are charlatans, the ones getting all the money as they fleece the gullible, the desperate and the downtrodden out of every penny imaginable so that they, the *prosperity* preachers, can live a VERY prosperous life themselves and screw YOU and every dumb-ass schlep like you.

Send money to ME and I’ll pray over it for you and YOUR prosperity.

I have heard those words, 1st hand, not from some anti-religion person, a pagan or an atheist, but from the mouth of a HUCKSTER, a prosperity and health preacher right here in the Dallas area that had so many schemes it was impossible to keep up with them, but the one I liked best was his *prayer cloth* scheme.

For some price, one that escapes me now, Brother Bob Tilton would pray over a piece of cloth and send it to YOU. In turn, YOU were to place this cloth in your mouth and all of your troubles would be handled for you.

I have NO idea WHERE this cloth could have come from, hell, it may have been scraps of his old underwear, all I know is that I didn’t send Brother Bob and money and I didn’t place his *prayer cloth* in MY mouth.

I’m not saying that ALL preachers are scammers but, in MY opinion, when a preacher gets on TV, begging for money so he can help you, offering some incredible *plan* that will make YOU rich and healthy, IF you send HIM money, thus making HIM rich, is nothing more than a GODDAMNED huckster and a crook, and if there really is a HELL, there’s a very HOT corner awaiting their arrival.

Eye for an eye
Tooth for a tooth
Blood for blood
We’ve all gotta die

What happens after we die? Well, I guess that depends on YOUR belief and the faith that you may or may not hold, but so far, the *afterlife* is a moot point for me. When I die, once I get wherever I may be going, if they have Wi-Fi wherever I am, I’ll make one last blog post and let you know what I find.

If you don’t hear back from me, well, the mystery will continue…