The Lone Ranger and Tonto Sitting Around the Old Campfire

Here’s a bit of TV nostalgia as we take you back to those thrilling days of yesteryear (ca 1955). The Lone Ranger and Tonto are somewhere in the Badlands of the MGM back studio chasing a gang of desperados. It is late at night, and they are sitting around the campfire as their horses, Silver and Scout are grazing in the meadow. Let’s listen in.

 LR: “Hey Tonto, pass me one of those beers, will ya?”

T- “Here ya go, Kimo Sabe.”

LR: “Thanks. You know, Tonto, I’ve been thinking about calling it a career with this Lone Ranger, bullsh–.”

T: “Why’s that, Kimo Sabe?”

LR: “I don’t know about you, but I’m getting too old for this crap. Especially, every time I have to chase some bad guy on horseback, pull up along side him, jump onto him and drag his ass off his horse and down some ravine. I mean that gets hard on the old back. Especially when that prick director keeps making us do take after take after take cause we don’t get it right.”

T: “I see what you mean.”

LR: And  I’ll tell you another thing. I’m getting sick and tired of this dopey mask. I mean, what’s the deal with it anyway? Every episode, I have to think of some non-answer from someone as to why I’m wearing a mask if I’m not an outlaw. I feel like Hillary Clinton being asked about her emails.”

T: “Who the Hell is Hillary Clinton?”

LR: “You don’t wanna know.”

T: The mask is kinda stupid, Kimo Sabe. And while we’re on the subject, why do I always have to wear this headband with the dopey feather in it? I mean what purpose does it serve?”

LR: “Beats me, Tonto. And why do I have to wear this uncomfortable, tight-fitting white outfit with the skin tight pants tucked in my boots? You should hear the wise cracks I get about that. Pass me another beer, will ya?”

T: “Yeah. I’ll bet. Here.”

LR: And don’t you think it’s weird how every time I get in a fight with a bad guy rolling down the hill, my hat never comes off and I never get any dirt on my outfit?”

T: I was meaning to ask about that.”

LR: “It’s because that prick director makes me change clothes after every fight, and the hat is actually glued onto my head.”

T: “Just like my headband and feather, Kimo Sabe. By the way, what the hell does ‘Kimo Sabe’ mean?”

LR: “Actually, it’s my Mom’s maiden name. She was from Lithuania.”

T: “Where’s that?”

LR: “You don’t wanna know. By the way, what the Hell does Tonto mean anyway?”

T: “It means ‘stupid’ in Spanish. That prick director thought it up.”

LR: “Say, Tonto. Do you ever think we’re being used to promote stereotypes about certain people?”

T: You finally figured that out, did ya? You know, I was talking to Hopalong Cassidy a few months back, and he told me that originally they were planning to cast us as a gay caballero and his Mexican sidekick before they decided on this Lone Ranger and Tonto schtick.”

LR: ” Get out! What were they going to call it?”

R: “Ramos and Randy.”

LR: Not bad, except you’d have to ditch the feather. Well, I think I’ll go check on the horses then turn in.”

One minute later.

LR: “Hey, Tonto! Come check this out.”

“Hiyo Silver!!”