Everybody Panic: ‘Climate Change’ Is Going To Destroy Your Christmas Favorites

This is all your fault, for refusing to give up your fossil fueled travel and big carbon footprint….no, no, it doesn’t matter than all those pushing this issue haven’t walked the talk, because they are doing something more important, spreading awareness…, causing your own Christmas doom

Climate change is coming for your Christmas favorites

A little indulgence over the festive season is our reward for enduring a curious and challenging year. But brace yourselves once more, for many treats we’re looking forward to are already under threat from climate change.

Verisk Maplecroft’s newly released Climate Change Exposure Index (CCEI) highlights that changing weather patterns over the coming decades are likely to impact the quantity — and quality — of a range of festive goods, from fine wines to perfume to Christmas nibbles.

For consumers, climate change may affect the price and availability of the goods we’re buying. But for luxury products, the more significant threat is that the exclusive characteristic of a brand that makes it so desirable could be irretrievably altered.

It’s a real shame that you’ve refused to give up your use of an ice maker, which has caused weather patterns which had been the same for 4.5 billion years to change. Seriously, this will mess with wine and champagne. They never grew wine grapes in areas that were cooler, you know. Like Britain during that mythical Medieval Warm Period.

And Channel perfume! Jasmine flowers from near the town of Grasse, France, may not grow there, and it is against the Laws Of Magic to grow it anywhere else!

And it would be preposterous to grow vanilla in other places! And nutmeg, cloves, cinnamon, cocoa, sugar, coffee, and so much more!

Climate shifts in other nations may make them more suitable producers of luxury goods. However, it remains to be seen whether Christmas party hosts will admit to serving sparkling wine from Kent, rather than Champagne.

Kent! Kent!!!!! The horror! And this all might maybe possibly sorta we think happen, so, guys and gals, you must give up your liberty and freedom and accept paying lots more for everything in order to stop the global temperature from going up 0.0.5C, at best.