Why Liberal Utopia Cannot Be Achieved Until Cheering Is Banned

Maximum inclusiveness will not be achieved until we have banned absolutely everything, because everything excludes someone. For example, cheering excludes deaf people:

Students who whoop, cheer and clap should face “consequences” because they are excluding deaf people, delegates at the National Union of Students conference said.

Audience members were repeatedly warned that they must cease whooping to express support for a speaker, because it has a “serious impact” on the accessibility of the conference.

Delegates at the NUS annual conference in Brighton were encouraged to use “jazz hands” instead of clapping – where students wave their hands in the air – as this is deemed a more inclusive form of expression.

This solution is insensitive and exclusive. How are blind people supposed to see jazz hands?

I was going to suggest that people only be allowed to express support or enthusiasm by passing gas. That why neither the deaf nor the blind would be excluded. Unfortunately, it would exclude the community of those who proudly suffer from anosmia.

On a tip from Steve T.