Mueller Sits for His First Interview (A Satirical Tale)

Robert Mueller took time out from his special counsel work to sit for an interview with satirical blogger Manhattan Infidel. You will be proud of the way Manhattan Infidel turned on a dime pursued the truth here.

Ve hav vays of indicting you

Today (31 October 2017) at Manhattan Infidel, I have the honor of interviewing the man of the hour, special prosecutor Robert Mueller, who after five months of investigation, unsealed his first indictments yesterday.

MI: Good afternoon special prosecutor Mueller.

SPM: Please, call me God.

MI: Um. No I’d rather I didn’t. You are not God.

SPM: You foolish, foolish, foolish insignificant little man. I am a god. I have powers you cannot conceive.

MI: You’re beginning to scare me.

SPM: Oh really? Why is that? Do you have reason to be scared? Is there something in your past that perhaps might be illegal?

MI: I am not under suspicion am I?

SPM: Everyone is under suspicion.

MI: You have no evidence that I’ve done anything wrong and no reason to investigate me.

SPM: Evidence? Oh you little people are so trying sometimes. The evidence is what we say it is. I’m a special prosecutor after all.

MI: Let’s talk about that. Is the office of a special prosecutor constitutional?

SPM: It is if we say it is.

MI: But aren’t special prosecutors actually fishing expeditions unanswerable to anyone? You were hired to look into collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia yet you indicted Manafort on “Conspiracy against the United States” for alleged crimes committed between 2005 and 2014. And isn’t it true that a special prosecutor will indict just to justify his or her existence?

SPM: Your point being?

MI: The special prosecutor, far from being independent is a political abuse of power.

SPM: Manhattan Infidel did you ever run a lemonade stand?

MI: Yes, when I was ten.

SPM: Did you report that income?

MI: What? No. I was ten.

SPM: So that’s tax evasion.  Did you move that money?

MI: Yes I moved it to my piggy bank.

SPM: So you laundered it and hid your profit from the government.

MI: I was ten!

SPM: Being ten is no excuse for not reporting your income to Washington. I am now indicting you for money laundering, tax evasion and conspiracy against the United States.

MI: What?  

SPM: You must now surrender yourself to the FBI.

MI: But I don’t want to surrender to the FBI.

SPM: Then confess your tax sins to Washington.  This can all be over if you only confess.

MI: Alright. I confess.  

SPM: And?

MI: I’ll vote Democrat. I’ll vote Democrat in every election for the rest of my life. I’m changing my party allegiance. I now self-identify as a committed, Democratic activist.

SPM: I believe you are sincere. I shall now cancel the indictment. You are free.

MI: Thank you sir. Thank you. God bless special prosecutors. God bless them all. And god bless Washington D.C. and our Federal government.