No Sex Please, We're British

It had to happen. Due to the COVID panic the British Government is now telling Britons whom they can have sex with. Under stringent new lockdown laws it is effectively illegal to have sex with someone who isn’t an established partner. Or at least it’s illegal to have sex with such a person indoors. Apparently it’s OK if you have it outdoors. So Britons hoping to have some illicit nookie might be well advised to start stocking up on thick woollen pullovers, mittens and overcoats.

Before social conservatives start hailing this as a good thing they might want to reflect on the fact that it’s now effectively illegal to do anything indoors with someone who isn’t an established partner. So if you go on a date don’t even thinking about inviting the other person in for a cup of cocoa. Even if drinking cocoa is all you’re intending to do it’s still illegal. Which is going to make it difficult for people to do things that social conservatives approve of – things like meeting someone, falling in love and getting married.

Dating will have to be done outdoors. Just to be on the safe side it might be advisable to have a policeman on hand to make sure you’re not tempted to break any laws (by for example deciding to go indoors to get out of the rain).

These laws don’t go far enough for some people. The Terrence Higgins Trust advises people to avoid kissing or any face-to-face contact. Obviously you need to wear a mask when having sex. Apparently this organisation believes that the only real form of safe sex is with yourself.

So remember, if you suspect that someone is having indoors sex (or having indoors cups of cocoa) with a non-established partner you should call a policeman immediately.

Totalitarianism seems to be progressing quite nicely in Britain. All this is of course happening not under an evil communist Labour government but under a Tory government.