My Cousin Ramona (Or, How Many Judges Does It Take To Change A Birther???)

Believe it or not, there is a relevant point here.  But I have to kind of work my way to it, so please indulge me while I recite some personal Squeeky Fromm Family History.  My cousin Ramona has been married seven times. And divorced seven times.  When she was 19, she married Roy P., who worked at Wal-Mart. That marriage lasted about six months, and she left him. As all the women in my family said, “Old Roy is nice enough, but he’s a little slow, and he can’t keep up with Ramona. She’s just too fast for him.”

After dating for a few months, Ramona met Wilbur M., a sergeant in the Air Force. They got hitched, and that marriage lasted nearly thirteen months. Wilbur moved out on her, and the family chatter was, “Wilbur is a military man, and you know how they are.  They expect their supper on the table precisely at 5:30 PM. And the bed better be made every day, and God Help Her! if she ever leaves any dishes in the sink. Poor Ramona just ain’t the kind of person to live by no timetable. Maybe Wilbur should have married one of them Japanese gals when he was over there, if he wanted somebody to jump every time he said “Froggy.”

Having been burned twice, Ramona was much more selective the third time around, and waited a whole eight  weeks after the divorce before marrying Tooter J., a musician. It was a fun marriage, and everybody was surprised when it ended three months later.  Of course, it was Tooter’s fault. His career was not always stable, and there were all those late night hours and out of town weekend gigs. Meanwhile, Ramona was very mature for her age and needed someone a little more grounded.

That someone turned out to be like Dale J., Tooter’s older brother. Dale and Ramona got hitched up a month after the divorce went through.  Since he was a farmer, he was very grounded.  Farm living seemed to agree with her. Ramona learned how to drive a tractor, and how to hook up all the power take off attachments.  She took a special interest in equipment maintenance and repair work. So it really shocked every one when Ramona left Dale for Hank S., who owned a local farm equipment and supply store. But, as the family mused, what could Dale expect trying to isolate Ramona way out there in the sticks, where you had to clean the owl poop off the clocks to see what time it was.

Hank was 20 years older than Ramona, and pretty well off financially.  They got married the same day the divorce was finalized.  In fact, Hank was with her in the courtroom when the gavel came down on the divorce.  They went downstairs to the Clerk of Court to get it stamped, and then straight back upstairs to the same judge to get married about 4 minutes later.

This relationship seemed the perfect fit for the two of them.  Hank bought her a new Cadillac Escalade, and even installed  a pool in the back yard. Ramona would need the pool  because she was going to have some weight to work off after the baby came.  It was a girl, and she named her Cremona.  It was a strange name, but like Ramona’s mom said, “”She couldn’t very well call her Ramona, Jr., now could she?”

This happy idyllic life went on for about 4 years. Hank was a doting father who handled his new maternal duties quite well. Then when Cremona became  a walky talky, and was well toilet trained, Ramona just couldn’t stand this much happiness any more.  She moved out and filed for a divorce.  And alimony.

This is when the family began to talk less about the problems with the men in Ramona’s life, and more about Ramona’s part in things. Hank was well liked by everybody in the family, and was a great father to Cremona, and a great provider.  He treated Ramona like a queen. Plus, he even paid to put a new roof on Ramona’s grandmother’s house when the old one started leaking.

But Ramona said she needed some passion in her life, and that she was too young to be shackled to a man old enough to be her father. That passion seemed to be in great supply with the pool man who had been servicing Hank’s pool for the last 4 years. And now that everybody got to thinking about it,  that pool did seem to need an awful lot of servicing.

Anyway, Roscoe D., the pool man, left his wife and two children for Ramona and Cremona. By the terms of the divorce decree, Ramona couldn’t have overnight male guests around Little Cremona,  and because the alimony thing never flew, Roscoe and her ended up tying the knot.  But this marital fling only lasted 18 months, and just about the time everybody in the family forgave Roscoe for breaking up Ramona’s previous marriage, he left her and returned to his wife and two children. One reason was that he couldn’t keep any money in the joint checking account, due to constant withdrawals by Ramona. After going through the property settlement she got from Hank, she became a  bottomless pit of financial need.

By this time, everybody in the family was convinced that Ramona needed to do some major growing up. Here she was, nearly 30, and already she had been married and divorced 6 times.  The Escalade had 150,000 miles on it, and the child support check only went so far. So her mother and father convinced Ramona to get some counseling from their pastor, who was happily married and beyond temptation.

Ramona took a real shine to talking about herself for hours on end, and all the things she should do to get her life in order. She started going to church regularly and even helped out with the Wednesday Night Prayer Meeting Pot Luck Supper.  She re-dedicated her life to Jesus. About 6 months into all this religious fervor, she up and married Brother Oswald, the youth director, who was 6 years younger than her. Seven months later she gave birth to an 8 pound and 11 ounce premature baby boy she named Ramon.

However, about the time Ramon got past the bed wetting stage, Ramona was back at the divorce attorney’s office. The whole family changed churches because Little Ramon was beginning to bear more than a passing resemblance to the happily married preacher, and that kind of gossip just doesn’t need to get started.

Ramona gets two child support checks, so she isn’t exactly poor. But, she and the kids do live with her mother and father. They keep her on as tight a leash as they can with someone her age.  Having finally faced up to the real reasons for all the dramas in her life, everybody has settled down a lot. Ramona is going to college part-time to become an accountant, and is taking more responsibility for her own actions. And, she is much happier now.

Now some people have probably already caught on to what this whole story has been about. Ramona gets married and divorced 7 times before she was 31. At first, the failures were blamed on the various men. But, by the fifth time, even her mother was wising up.  Ramona’s excuses wore thin. You just don’t run into that many bad husbands in a row without having some problems of your own.

So will this ever happen with the Birthers??? Because they have these failed endeavors, too. We call them lawsuits, and just like marriages, they get ended with a Court Order.  Four years ago, the only case that really applied to this issue was a Supreme Court decision, Wong Kim Ark (1898).  Since Obama took office, there have been numerous other Birther cases that, just like Ramona’s many marriages, all failed on the merits.

How do the Birthers view these many losses? Do they think they share any of the blame, or is it all somebody else’s fault when the gavel comes down? Let’s look at some of the cases. If the Birthers accepted the decisions in any of these cases, the whole two citizen parent theory would come crashing down. So I feel safe in supplying the answer to each of these losses on their behalf. (I have liberally copied and pasted from Dr. Conspiracy’s article which listed most of these cases. I have edited the holdings for length. See the link below in Note 2.)

1)In 1898 Wonk Kim Ark: Every citizen or subject of another country, while domiciled here, is within the allegiance and the protection, and consequently subject to the jurisdiction, of the United States. His allegiance to the United States is direct and immediate, and, although but local and temporary, continuing only so long as he remains within our territory, is yet, in the words of Lord Coke in Calvin’s Case, 7 Rep. 6a, “strong enough to make a natural subject, for if he hath issue here, that issue is a natural-born subject;”

Nope, it’s the Judge’s Fault – the Birthers aren’t wrong. 

2) In 2008 in a New Hampshire Court, Hollander v. McCain:  Those born “in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof,” U.S. Const., amend. XIV, have been considered American citizens under American law in effect since the time of the founding, United States v. Wong Kim Ark, 169 U.S. 649, 674-75 (1898), and thus eligible for the presidency;

Nope, it’s the Judge’s Fault – the Birthers aren’t wrong. 

3) In  2009 Ankeny v. Governor of Indiana: ”Based upon the language of Article II, Section 1, Clause 4 and the guidance provided by Wong Kim Ark, we conclude that persons born within the borders of the United States are “natural born Citizens” for Article II, Section 1 purposes, regardless of the citizenship of their parents.”

Nope, it’s the Judges’ Fault – the Birthers aren’t wrong.

4) In 2012 in a Virginia Federal Court,  Tisdale v. Obama: “It is well settled that those born in the United States are considered natural born citizens.”

Nope, it’s the Judge’s Fault – the Birthers aren’t wrong.

5) In 2012 in New Jersey, Purpura v. Obama  “Thus, accepting for the point of this issue that Mr. Obama was born in Hawaii, he is a ‘natural born Citizen’ regardless of the status of his father.”

Nope, it’s the Judge’s Fault – the Birthers aren’t wrong.

6) In 2012 in Florida, Voeltz v. Obama: “However, the United States Supreme Court has concluded that ‘[e]very person born in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, becomes at once a citizen of the United States.”

Nope, it’s the Judge’s Fault – the Birthers aren’t wrong.

7) In 2012 in Arizona, Allen v. Obama : “President Obama is a natural born citizen under the Constitution and thus qualified to hold the office of President.”

Nope, it’s the Judge’s Fault – the Birthers aren’t wrong.

8) In 2012 in Georgia, Farrar (et al.) v. Obama : “The Indiana Court rejected the argument that Mr. Obama was ineligible, stating that children born within the United States are natural born citizens, regardless of the citizenship of their parents. … This Court finds the decision and analysis of [Ankeny] persuasive.”

Nope, it’s the Judge’s Fault – the Birthers aren’t wrong.

9) In 2012 in Maryland, Fair et. al v. Obama; cites Ankeny and Wong Kim Ark for at length for 6 pages, in dismissing the Birthers. The issue of the definition of “natural born citizen” is thus firmly resolved by the United States Supreme Court in a prior decision, and as this court sees it. that holding is binding on the ultimate issue in this case.

Nope, it’s the Judge’s Fault – the Birthers aren’t wrong.

Before the year is out, this list will be much longer.  Some of these judges were Republicans, and some Democrats; some conservatives and some liberals.  There is no rational basis to think every last one of them would have some ulterior motive to deny the Birthers a victory. Common sense and constant losses should start them to thinking at some point. But when???

How many judges will it take to change the Birthers? My guess is, there aren’t enough judges in the Universe.

Squeeky Fromm
Girl Reporter

Note 1. The Images. These are all pictures of Theda Bara from Cleopatra (1917) and Salome (1918).  Here is an interesting article about her:

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000847/bio

And yes, Ramona does look very much like her.

Note 2. Links: Here is the link to Dr. Conspiracy’s article on Birther cases dismissed on the merits:

http://www.obamaconspiracy.org/page/4/

And, if you like “piling on” the Birthers, here is The Birther Cases String Cite:

http://tesibria.typepad.com/whats_your_evidence/BIRTHER%20STRING%20CITE.pdf