Man Buns, Microfedoras, and the End Times

In RedState’s ongoing and less-discussed mission to take part in cultural discussions, I’d like to open the floor to one of the dangers of the modern era: Man Buns.

Don’t know what a man bun is? Awesome! Exit this post and never return. Go ahead. I encourage it.

Still here? Okay. Let’s do this. The only way to really dive into this issue is to go to the place where many awful things reside, Vox. And they explain man buns, y’all.

1) What is a man bun?

This question is harder to answer than you might think.

That’s because the man bun is a surprisingly versatile hairstyle that incorporates many different elements. It’s easiest to say what a man bun must include: hair from the top of the head, tied, and not hanging freely down (as it might in a ponytail).

Now, full disclosure: I allow my hair to grow out from time to time until it’s just above shoulder-length (Erick is on the record as having called me a hippie). Balding runs in my family, and I want to enjoy my hair before it becomes scarce. That being said, I know good and damn well that my wife would leave me and RedState would probably fire me if I came anywhere close to wearing a man bun in public. Why? Because they are just awful.

Look. Ponytails are just fine. You know how I know this?

Look at that. You can be an awesome dude with a ponytail. Gregg Allman is the man. He’s feeding ice cream to a mountain lion. That’s pretty sweet. Awesome. Who wears man buns? Leonardo DiCaprio*, hipsters, millennials, and more millennials. Could you find a worse group of people to emulate?

Somewhere along the way, we as a culture have decided to take fashion and turn it into a freakshow of experimentation that flirts with the androgyny (when they don’t outright embrace it as a way of life). There is nothing a normal human being (read: anyone who is not 98% of millennials) would find attractive in this and related fashions.

And you know what’s worse? I can’t tell if these stories about microfedoras for man buns are real or satire. Given that they originate from Seattle, it could, like these stupid androgynous fashionstas (fashionistos???), go either way. Microfedoras. Micro. Fedoras.

We as a nation deserve Barack Obama.

*EDIT: I have discovered in further research that, as of seven hours ago, People Magazine is reporting DiCaprio has gotten rid of the man bun, no doubt because he realized Oh my God, what in the hell am I even doing?

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