Donald Trump Meanders His Way Through A Victory Speech

Donald Trump swept five states tonight, and gave a victory speech from New York City to a largely quiet crowd. After watching the speech for 10 minutes, I figured out why his crowd was so quiet: No one knew what in the hell he was saying.

Yes, we knew Donald Trump was going to win. He has taken to calling himself the “presumptive nominee.” He says the race is over because he has millions of more votes than Ted Cruz and John Kasich. He actually took a minute or so to make fun of John Kasich still being in the race, taking the rare opportunity to praise Marco Rubio for having more delegates than Kasich does.

It went off the rails from there. If you combine the story of Jesus and the multiplying loaves with the story of Hansel and Gretel, you still wouldn’t have enough breadcrumbs to make your way out of his speech. Even his question and answer session with reporters was all over the damn place.

I don’t even know how to how to describe his speech. Literally all of his talking points were brought out, thrown out to what was apparently a sleeping crowd, and each received a small smattering of applause. He said absolutely nothing new. He’s definitely going to build a wall. It’s not fair for someone with millions of votes fewer to win the nomination. He’s, like, really smart. He can totally beat Hillary. By the way, the wall is going to happen. Hillary knows nothing about job creation.

There was nothing new, and there was no humility at all. He didn’t really thank anyone. He acknowledged that Chris Christie and Ben Carson are people that are on his side. But he did everything. He won those states all on his own. Unless something went wrong. Then, it was someone else’s dirty trick. He has no flaws, but it’s all the other corrupt, dirty people.

But, he’s the presumptive nominee. May God have mercy on our souls.

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