Diogenes Middle Finger
MFNS -OAKLAND – Hundreds of San Fransisco Bay Area protesters allied with the 'Black Lives Matter' movement, along with members of an opposing group called 'All Lives Matter', were killed Sunday morning in a freak astronomical incident.
The BLM activists had gathered outside police headquarters to protest the shooting of a dark-skinned man in rural Afghanistan who allegedly did not drop his missile launcher when ordered to by Afghan police. The ALM activists showed up to counter the BLM group, and also to “defend all lives,” according to the chapter president's Facebook page.
However, their heated back-and-forth proved all for naught when a large flaming meteorite shot through the sky and slammed into the ground precisely where the protesters were hurling insults at each other and Police. The resultant explosion created shockwaves felt as far away as Palo Alto. Passersby rushed to the crater, shouting abuse at the Police and accusing the Oakland Police Department of failing to protect citizens against falling celestial objects.
In an effort to calm the angry crowd, Bay Area geologist Stanley Lapide was brought in to shed the light of science on the bizarre occurrence, but instead he ended up inadvertently causing further disruption:
“The victims of this meteorite came here today to insist that their lives mattered. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but they were wrong. You could say that their lives mattered a little bit.”
“The victims were vaporized, some molecules from their bodies drifted upwards and have been sucked into a jet stream. According to calculations I’ve just done in my head, that would yield a .00002 percent chance that they will affect the weather in some very imperceptible way, perhaps by adding a few drops of water to a light drizzle over some remote stretch of the Atlantic Ocean.”
So, do black, white, or any lives matter he asked? But then stiffened and fell to the ground after being tasered by police who mistook him as a member of BLM. The esteemed professor was whisked away by ambulance.
By that time, news of the unprovoked tazing had spread via Twitter with the hashtag #geolivesmatter, and dozens of faculty members from UC Berkeley’s Earth and Planetary Sciences Department showed up with signs reading “Geo Science Lives Matter” and “I’m Giving A Free Public Science Lecture, Bro, Don’t Taze Me.”
Later, when an armored police swat van accidentally backed over several of the scientists, the rookie officer who had only joined the force the day before and had forgotten to put on his glasses that morning was yanked out of his vehicle and beaten by a group of angry Stanford geophysicists who had just arrived by bus.